


Modern Misfitventures

by DigiConjurer



Series: A Misfit Collection [2]
Category: Dungeons & Dragons - All Media Types, Original Work
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-10-04 20:52:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 25,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17311682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DigiConjurer/pseuds/DigiConjurer
Summary: What? You thought they were just limited to just fantasy settings? Think again.





	1. Meet the Misfits as narrated by a rogue and Jestery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's on the tin, pretty much.

On 1024 Anchaged Street, a house awaits.

At first glance, the two story home seemed to be like many others in the neighborhood. Painted a nice shade of beige, it had been purchased from the bank quite a number of years ago by one Cherra Woodtemple. Of course, in the last year or two, many people had joined the halfling bard. 

“Lodestone Delivery!” the delivery man announced and gave the door another knock. “I don ha-”

Before he had a chance to really finish that sentence, the door swung open and a half-orc dressed in just a pair of overalls. He swiped the bag up, heading back inside.

Compared to the outside, the living room was quite lit up. A variety of end tables and chairs had been placed about and awaited use. At the moment, some of them were used. 

There, Cherra awaited. The halfling was the smallest of the family, not that it stopped her from being the loudest. For this occasion, she had a shirt and pants combo with a mithril breastplate underneath.

Her adopted daughter, Meemee Woodtemple was playing Fortnite. The slimegirl seemed to be on a hot streak, judging by the faint sounds of excitement she would occasionally make and the sheer amount of time she had been in that one particular spot. Like her adopted mother, she was also dressed in a shirt and pants. Unlike Cherra, she was more of a fan of padded armor.

Across from her, a succubus laid on the floor. Dressed in a dark blue sari, she looked quite well-traveled for someone her age. Though, her slightly pale skin with the batlike wings and bright pink hair seemed to say otherwise. Just barely, you can make out a silver necklace with a snowflake pendant. All of this culminated in a set of cerulean eyes fixating on a magazine. 

Though, that didn't explain why the cover had a pair of women kissing on it.

“Crimson, will you please play with me?” a teenage girl announced, forcing her subject's gaze away from their reading. The girl standing before her had to be at least half her age and close to half her height. Dressed in a frilly poofy purple dress that might be a part of her body, complemented by a set of mary janes on her feet while thin white gloves cover her arms and ‘claws’. A choker hung around her neck, with a pendant of some significance hanging from it. Finishing off the look, appeared to be a head of blonde curls along with a set of blue eyes that seemed to hint at something draconic. “Please?”

Crimson took a deep breath. But her gaze didn't leave her magazine. If anything, she had it even further into whatever article she had it turned too.

“No.” the dancer answered, only to find the girl on her body. “Whip, how many times have I asked you not to get on me?”

But Whip doesn't answer. Instead, she carefully makes her way up to a point where she can actually see what the succubus was reading.

“If you want, Yelena taught me all about this stuff the other day. I can help you practice~”

Crimson’s face turned a bright shade of red as she closed the magazine up.

“What has this ‘wyvern’ of yours been telling you?” she inquired, digging into her dress for something to shoo this nuisance away. “This is information for people far more mature than you.”

“Well, I have a ‘wife’ and you don’t.” Whip countered, “You’re only lucky enough to get on a date in that long distance relationship of yours.”

Crimson took a deep breath and carefully pulled her passenger off, setting them on the ground. While tempting, it wouldn’t be in her best interests to say the things she wanted to say. So she bit her tongue. As both of Cherra’s other adopted children they knew the punishment which was slightly better than what one would expect when compared to the various parents of the DM’s main series. But that’s a story for another day.

Of course, Cherra’s focus wasn’t on them at the moment. No, it was more on Quilk.

“Thank you, Quilk.” Cherra greeted and watched the half-orc stroll on over to the kitchen. There, 

A man was standing there. Dressed in a spiked full plate of all things, he didn’t look like the brightest bulb in the box. But he had his uses.

“Anything in particular you would like Quilk?” Toko inquired. “Outside of meat, of course.”   
Quilk just shakes his head and carefully sits himself down in a chair. Somehow, it doesn’t shatter into a million pieces. Which is always a plus when you have a lot of people living under one roof.

“Fine then. Just meat it is.”

Today, the wannabe fighter had the day off. If he hadn't, he would probably been working at the church. And being yelled at by his boss. But that much wasn't new to the other person in the kitchen. Dressed in a priest garments (even though today wasn’t a day of prayer), he seemed to be in an alright mood. Kind of reminds me of myself. Except in reverse. Whatever the case, his name was Rune Walsh.

“Boo.” the priest remarked as he watched Toko make his way over to the fridge. Considering he’s mainly the reason that Toko, his co-worker of all people was in the state he was in, I really wonder how the fuck he managed to keep his job.

Though, the answer to that lied in the third person in the room. Dressed in a fine suit, the half-demon monk Samuel Darkvein. Though, I feel that his last name should’ve been Darkvine rather than Darkvein. 

Toko pulled a steak out of the fridge, slapped it into the skillet and turned the burner on. What followed, was an attempt by him to hum. It was… alright. Not bad, but by no means good. A skillet with eggs joins it, along with one with hashbrowns.

“G’morning.” a voice, possibly elvish (what does that even mean?) announced and makes their entrance. At the moment, they are just dressed in their pajamas. They walk over to the cabinets and grab a cup. Then it was just a walk over to the fridge, where she was met by a chocolate cake. That had a red aura coming forth from it, on top of it seeming to speak abyssal. Not that it stops her from grabbing the orange juice. Which, is thankfully not demonic in any sort of way, I hope.

“Good morning, Fae.” Toko greeted, turning his attention to elf. “How are you doing?”

Faestina Zinralei, or Fae as everyone called her was a bit of a mystery to her friends/family. While her past was pretty much a blank page, she had gotten out of the habit of disappearing on them and going walkabout on them. Which I guess is an improvement. But that isn’t saying much in the face of this world.

As for the cake, it was the product of one ‘Mr Scratch’. Better known by his more common name, the Devil. And you're probably wondering at this moment, why is the devil of all people part of this household? Good question. If I somehow had an answer to that, I would be giving it at this very moment. But I do not. All I know is that he's a baker and he sometimes just appears out of nowhere from the fridge. Which sometimes makes the fridge unusable. Or was it the oven? According to the notes that I have been given, it was one of the two.

Whatever the case, he seems to be elsewhere at the moment. Which might be for the better.

“I'm doing alright.” Fae answered, taking a sip of her juice.

“Breakfast!” Toko announced and our heroes filed into the adjacent dining room, where a purple wyvern awaited. Who is not to be confused for the other purple wyvern. Yeah. This is like the only time I’m going to have this conversation, DM. Just because you can add a Y and then somehow make a meta reference to it, doesn’t mean you should. Are we clear?

Yet, Whip still made her way over and carefully sat herself down on top of the beast.

“Ty v poryadke, moya printsessa (Are you okay, my princess?)?” Yelena whispered and watched her ‘servant’ blush. This then followed by the redoing of the girl’s hair. Which in this case, took the form of twintails.

“Prosto skuchno (just bored), Yelena.” Whip whispered, only to get a pat on her head. “Thank you.”

Yelena gave a nod as the rest of the motley crew filed in. They took their respective seats as Toko brought out the food. Rune followed right behind with the utensils.

“With Christmas right around the corner, I would like to discuss our plans.” Cherra announced, standing on top of her chair to compensate for her lack of height. “For starters, Kril is going to be coming home for winter break, and he said that he bringing a friend of his along.” the halfling explained, “As such, if you have any friends that you wish to invite you may d-”

Before she even had a chance to finish that particular sentence, Crimson was already out of her chair and making her way towards the hallway. But, athrown lodestone brought an end to that.

“Sit back down, young lady.”

Crimson complied and made her way back over. She didn’t look too happy. I would be too, if I heard something great and had to wait.

“I’ve already called Sivella too. She’ll be here in a couple days.”

That news seemed to improve the succubus’s mood. Especially since she probably didn’t care as much for whatever else her adopted mother had to say.

“Of course, we’ll do some decorating, dress the tree and have a big dinner on the 24th.” Cherra continued. “No, you can’t open presents till the day after that.”

“Boo.” Meemee and Whip whispered, getting a look from both Yelena and Rune. But that could be the priest trying to look at Toko. Who I guess is far more likely to pull that than the children.

“That is all.”

With announcements now out of the way, it was time to eat.

.

Of course, that isn’t everyone.

But to see the rest of our motley crew, we need to take a trip to St Velodias. An all grades school, it’s motto is ‘Quia magis interesting populum’ (For more interesting people). Which Jestery thinks is quite a fitting place for our next misfit. Not sure why we really need to go here of all places to do it. 

Oh right. We come upon a classroom. There, the students were working through the last day without any sign of when they would be let go. As was the case of one particular sorcerer and his half-elf fighter/rogue companion. They were both dressed in the typical St Velodia’s uniform. Black pants with a white shirt. Which I guess looks better than the lady’s outfit, but Jestery digress.

Currently, another Jestery has just finished teaching her lesson. To finish out this particular class, she was handing out a simple assignment. Just a couple math problems. Nothing rocket science level for an optional assignment to do over one’s winter break. Of course, someone just had to fling a shuriken out. A man in his late twenties, an asshole as clear as day. You would think people would get creative in this regard. But nah, let’s make asshole #124. Because that’s truly original.

Of course, his friend was not so amused by what our sorcerer was planning to do.

“Kril, don’t.” he whispered and watched his friend throw the projectile anyway towards the Jestery. Who caught it and flung it back. Jestery feels like a broken record on this. For the last fucking time, Jestery has Deflect Arrows! It’s unlikely that you’re going to actually hit me like that. So stop trying it!

“Mr Kril, how many times must I remind you to not to do that?” Jestery remarked and turned her attention to both boys. “Mae, I believe you told Jestery that this wouldn’t happen again. And here we are.”

The boy beside Kril took a deep breath and gave a nod.

“You’re both dismissed.”

With that, she teleported away. But not before grabbing a large teddy bear won earlier in the year. Good for that Jestery. Hopefully, nothing bad happens to her.

After taking the time to grab their stuff, Mae and Kril did something similar. Just without Jestery’s cool teleportation animation.

“Church-kun, where are you?”

You would think that finding a twelve foot tall church would be easy. But no, somehow Kril manages to fuck it up. Mostly because he decided to look in wooded areas where it would be difficult to see a church. Jestery would probably be looking in more of the paved areas. Where one could have a clear view of things and stuff. But what does Jestery know? Jestery is just the narrator of this.

The next hour was spent pointlessly searching the forest for someone who’s most definitely not there. But eventually, our two heroes at the moment caught themselves a break. It took the form of Mae catching a glimpse of what he assumed was Church-kun talking to an officer.

“So let me get this straight.” the officer announced. “You claim that you are a church.”

“Yes.”

“Is there any way that you can prove that you were a church before coming to this school?” the officer continued, his gaze shifting to meet the incoming boys. “Boys, what I can do for you?”

“We’re friends of his.” Mae explained as their attention turned to the supposed church. Standing at an twelve feet, the resident church was hard to miss. Of course, that sort of size came with its downsides. For starters, it meant that the walls and stained glass installation were constantly being vandalized by those who probably should of known better. Secondly, getting into any normal sized building was just out of the question entirely. So he had tutored nine times out of ten. With the tenth usually being any event being held outside. 

“Hi Kril! Hi Mae!” Church-kun announced, making his body appear in a spot that the two boys could see him. “Is it timeout time?”

For that response, the officer shot the trio a look. As tempted as Jestery might possibly be to give context to that statement, she'll hold her tongue for now.

“Uh… thanks?” Kril muttered as his attention turned to the officer. “He's a friend of ours and doesn't mean trouble.”

“Yeah.” Mae added. “It's likely he was just waiting for us.”

Reluctantly, the officer gave a nod and went off to deal with the next major issue that was called in. After, the duo entered Church-kun through his table door. Which was the result of a dinner party that went wrong, really fast. But that's a story that Jestery cares little about. At all.

Inside, one could find a trio of dogs. Bowls for both food and water had been left out, with the actual toys scattered with little concern for anyone walking around.

“Aww…” Mae remarked and picked one of the dogs up. “I'm sorry it's been so long.”

“Ruff!”

Of course, they actually had to get home and not pet dogs for this entire scene. So please tell Jestery you can at least figure that out.

“I understand.” Church-kun announced and carefully slid his way down the path until he reached a nearby road. “Hold on!”

It would take them a couple of hours, maybe a day or two, but it would be worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The modern Misfit AU is result of my players post a session where they went kind of murderhobo (as in, they killed the fighter, brought him back, and then took some heads off via flung lodestones). The first batch of chapters is an approximation done as a Christmas gift.


	2. Let Sleeping Barrels Stand as narrated by a fanfic writer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or why Rune is banished, at the time of posting this.

Before there could really be much celebrating and the arrival of guests, there needed to be some cleaning done.

For some of our misfits, that meant cleaning just a place here and there. You know, simple touch-up stuff. For the others, it meant a full-on coming to jesus.

In Whip’s case, it was the latter and then some. And when it come to cleansing, it meant having to go to Rune.

“So let me get this straight,” the priest remarked, waiting for Whip to suddenly change languages on him. But when she didn’t, he took a deep breath. “You believe that a booze barrel is haunting your shed?”

A nod from both warlock and wyvern.

“Couldn’t you just blast them away? Also, doesn’t that shotgun of yours let you reap souls to begin with?” Rune answered, watching Whip’s gaze fall to the ground. “Let me guess, it's not that simple.”

Another nod. But this was then followed by Yelena whispering something to Whip.

“That, and it kept asking for you.” Whip continued and motioned for Rune to follow. The walk from the priest's room to the outside shed was a short one, not that it really seemed to matter to the trio. Once outside, they made to the shed.

Once serving as the place for all the tools, it had been converted right after Whip joined the family. Of course, the dragonkith and her wyvern partner had made some adjustments. Mostly in the way of being able to come in and out easier.

“The barrel should be in there.” Whip continued and carefully opened the door up. Inside, the room looked like a weird cross between a magical girl paradise and a weapon lab. On one side, you had all sorts of memorabilia from the ‘Sparkle Scouts’, a magical girl group made up of a bunch of mythical beasts and their human leader. Of note was the large-scale plush of Sparkle Green, who was in fact a dragon. A green dragon, to be exact. Which was on top of a bunch of Mage Girls figurines. Which I haven't seen in forever. Wait, does she have Chroma? Yes, I feel validated. Beat that, Kaze! I amounted to something.

“Uh… what’s his problem?” Whip remarked and Rune shook his head.

It’s complicated. I could take the time to talk about it, but that wouldn’t be fun. At all. That I suspect that I’m only here to plug a leak or something. Whatever that means.

So the two ignored the narrator for the moment and turned to their focus temporarily to the other magical girl memorabilia. You know, Precure, Sailor Moon, maybe Madoka. I swore I saw a homura and madoka plush cuddling on the floor.

Instead, they decided to focus on the other half of the room. A lantern hung at the top Which had guns of all sorts being prepared to be cleaned. Compared to the other side, 

Which was exactly where the barrel was located at the moment.

“So you finally come to do me in, Mr Walsh?” the barrel announced and ‘turned’ around to face them. Well, I think they did. Hard to tell with barrels. “How long has it been?”

Rune didn’t answer.

“Did you really think I would let you forget what happened in Frovia?”

Rune stared towards the barrel, pulling his mace out.

“Die.”

Our resident priest swung his weapon into the animated object, doing far less damage to it then he would’ve liked. And since he had done his one action for the turn, it was now Whip’s.

“Spiritflare!” the warlock announced and fired off an eldritch blast. It was slightly more effective. Especially when Yelena got her turn at attacking.

“Take this!” the queen wyvern announced, letting her stinger stab into the barrel, which didn't do anything good for the wine., in common of all things. I guess she’s been learning from her servant? “How was that, Princess?”

Whip gave a thumbs-up, watching the wyvern perk.

Whatever the case, the barrel still stood triumphantly. When a battle like this usually happens, it only takes a turn, maybe two. But this seemed different from those bouts. Of course, they usually had the whole party at their disposal when a fight broke out. Here, it was just the priest and the warlock with her wyvern.

“We get it.” Rune remarked as the barrel went in for his attack. Which looked more like rollout than anything else. While he attempted to target Rune, the animated object managed to trip and fail. I guess that would somehow imply that it somehow had feet. Quite the scary implications, if not for just how ridiculous this whole fight seemed to be. “Do you ever shut up?”

Battles aren’t as easy to narrate as regular scenes. Cut me a break. This isn’t somehow I do on a regular basis.

Of course, our narrator’s remarks fell on deaf ears. Not because this was stuff that our heroes didn’t want to hear. No, they were just so focused on the fight at hand that his words became silence on the battlefield. I hope. It would quite rude if they had just casted a silence spell on themselves and were trying to hide it.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Whip whispered, watching Rune sink his mace into the barrel. A resounding ‘thud’ followed as a leak seemed to form. “Spiritflare!”

Another eldritch blast. Aided by some of Yelena’s power, she managed to widen the leak on top of creating an exit wound. Which did put her stuffed animals and other stuff at risk.

“Skol'ko raz ya tebe govoril, chtoby ty zabiral veshchi? (How many times have I told you to pick up your things?)” Yelena muttered, watching her partner’s head droop.

“Far too many…” the warlock whispered and got a slight head pat.

“YA by predlozhil, chto vy eto sdelayete. (I would suggest you do that.)”

The warlock complied, jumping off and running over to the stack of toys and plushes. What followed, was an attempt at saving as many as she could. And by attempt, I mean she tried to scoop them all up and hoped for the best. When that failed, she just dumped what she could onto the bed as the barrel attempted to close the distance. The barrel failed, quite miserably I might add. How it managed to trip over it’s own fluids is beyond me.

“Take this!” Rune screamed as he slammed his mace into the barrel, watching pieces of it shoot out and hit stuff in the room. Of course, part of it managed to hit a lantern. Which fell to the ground and shattered. I feel like you can see where this is going.

“Baka (Idiot).” Whip muttered as she got back onto her wyvern, with Yelena grabbing hold of our resident priest along with the Sparkle Green plush. You couldn’t have one of the mage girl figurines? A lot of time (hopefully) went into them and I doubt anyone would want to see their favorite die. “Nuigurumi wa watashi ni jūyōna monodeshita. Dare ga ningyō o kinisuru? (The plush was what mattered to me. Who cares about the dolls?)”

How rude. One of those ‘dolls’ got me into a prestigious school, that turned out to be a death trap. That my friends and I successfully overcame. But that story is a complete clusterfuck and not work telling.

Of course, Whip’s attention was no longer on the annoying narrator. No, it was back on Rune.

“You have 5 seconds.” she whispered as Yelena pawed at the ground in anticipation. “I would run if I were you.”

.

“Wonderful.” Cherra announced, catching a glimpse of the burning shed and the trio at fault. While sure, she could easily go out and punish them, there really was no point to it. Especially in the face of the holiday season.

“We’re here!”

And that would be the sound of Church-kun pulling in. Though, I think they can handle their stuff.


	3. I shot the narrator as narrated by a pirate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wait for it...

Even with the shed fire outside and the arrival of Church-kun with Mae and Kril in tow, Cherra continued with her rounds in the house. If she didn’t, it was highly unlikely that much in the way of cleaning would actually get done. Though, I suspect that wasn't the purpose of this particular trip around the house.

“Crimson, you in there?” she called out and got no response. “If you don’t open this door right now, I will bring out my lodestone gun.”

Still no answer. So carefully, the bard loaded her lodestone gun and fired. The lodestone shot out, make a nice indent into the door and into the window. Which may have not been the best idea. 

Inside, it looked like a normal girl’s room. The walls had been painted a bright shade of sky blue, with cream-colored carpet to boot. Outside of the bed, a few posters of girl's bands had been hanged up with a framed photo of a succubus and archfey among them. All in all, the room looked clean enough to have a second person stay over.

“Oh my.”

Currently, Crimson making out with what looked to be a large fey plush. Or would that be a sex plush? One of the two. I’ll have to ask Daisy after this.

Cherra stared for a couple seconds and then knocked.

“Yeah, mom?” Crimson called out, only to realize her little show had been seen.

“I'm going shopping, want to come?” Cherra remarked, watching the dancer finally exit her room. “A little anxious to see her?”

Crimson blushed a bright shade of red as her adopted mother approached.

“Yeah.” she finally answered. “Thanks for arranging that for me, mom.”

Cherra gave a nod.

“Of course. It would be a shame if your special person was left out of this celebration.”

Crimson's face blushed even redder now, which she then followed up by grabbing her purse - a nice purple leather one that could probably act as a messenger bag in a pinch. Hanging to it, was her bow. I guess the arrows were inside the bag? Seems inefficient. But what do I know? I carry around something along the line 

With that now out of the way, the two made their way down the hall to Meemee’s room.

There, the slime girl was still engaging in a match of Fortnite. Not the same match, mind you. I don’t think those sort of matches go on that long. Don’t quote me on that. I’m just a pirate.

“Bad friends.” she muttered as Cherra and Crimson opened the door. Why Cherra didn’t try that is beyond me.

Compared to Crimson’s room, Meemee’s seemed to be in a far cleaner state. It could just be chalked up to the pair of cat plushies being her only real possessions outside of the phone. Though, one could just barely make out a third cat plush. Unlike the first two, this one had the upper body of a woman coming out from the back. Said body was all chained up for some reason. Seems like a perfect boss enemy to have adventurers go after. Personally, I wouldn’t want to see it again.

“We’re family.” Cherra remarked, making sure to eject the spent remains of the lodestones. She had gotten enough scolding from her adopted warlock to know the right way. That, and this was her fifth round of repairs to this particular gun. And that wasn’t counting the six other ones that were probably burned in the shed fire. “I think we’re far past the friend thing.”

It would seem to be. Not that I would be your friend, being a pirate and all.

“We’re going out, would you please come along?” Cherra continued and watched Meemee get up from her bed and make her way over. “And no, you can’t spend the entire time on your phone.”

Meemee let out a groan and let the device slip into her body. Which I hope she can get back. It would be a waste of a good phone otherwise.

With two children now in tow, it was just a matter of heading out. Sure, they could have gone and grabbed Whip. But she was currently chasing Rune with Yelena. I think. I’m just going off the notes left by the last narrator. It also says something here about ‘Kaze sucking it’. Knowing the person that wrote this, I’m going to have kick his ass for it.

Thankfully, that last line fell upon deaf ears. Which is probably for the better.

“Anything in particular that you’re looking for?” Crimson inquired, watching Cherra shake her head.

“Nothing in particular.” the halfling answered, only to get a look from both Crimson and Meemee. “What?”   
“You have no clue what to get either of us for christmas, do you?” Meemee added, but got no answer. Thankfully, they passed into the garage, where Cherra’s ‘war pony’ awaited. And by war pony, I mean a bright blue Ford Mustang. I was kind of expecting something British, maybe an Alfa Romeo? No, she seems more like a McClaren person.

Along with the ‘war pony’, a couple motorcycles of varying sizes awaited. They were probably stand-ins for what would be these misfits actual mounts. Though, it would appear that one of the bikes had been taken for a spin already.

“Can I just take Sprinkles?” Crimson remarked, pointing towards a particular motorcycle. While most of the bikes had gone for a black or brown color scheme, this one had been painted a nice pastel shade of violet. The word ‘Sprinkles’ “It's been a while, mom. Would you mind if I rid it instead of going with you guys? I’ll follow right behind.”

Cherra took a deep breath, only to crack a smile right after. Sure, the halfling probably would’ve preferred for the succubus to join her and Meemee in the car. But she could sort of understand why she would want to do that.

“Go on ahead.”

Crimson perked up and ran back in to grab her keys. While she was doing that, Cherra and Meemee got into the car.

“Anything in particular that you want to listen too, Meemee?” Cherra continued and watched the slime girl open the glove box up, pulling a bunch of CD cases out in the process.

“Uh…” the slimegirl started and began to look through the collection. “Beatles, nah. Weird magical girl disc that Whip forgot to grab…”

Two cases fell to the floor as Cherra started the car up. On closer inspection, they appear to be The Beatles ‘Abbey Road’ and the guitar version of the heartcatch theme. Which is an awesome theme. How dare you dismiss it so easily?

“It’s magical girl junk.” MeeMee answered and shifted her gaze towards the window. There, Crimson had managed to catch up to them. For the moment, her dress was gone and in its place was one of those leather suits people wear when they’re riding motorcycles except this one was dark blue and stuff. She also had a helmet too. You know, for the obvious safety reasons.

Neither bike or mustang seemed to make it that far. Mostly because a group of elves had gotten into an accident and were not at all helping in actually cleaning up their mess.

“Fucking elves.” Cherra remarked and honked her horn. “You leave them alone for five seconds and they manage to fuck something up.”

She took a deep breath as Meemee slipped a cd in. Which turned out to be some generic country music. Which is better than nothing? I would’ve preferred to have the precure theme in the background.

“What about Fae?” Crimson announced, having stopped her bike. “She’s an elf.”

Cherra went silent for a couple seconds, mumbling something under her breath.

“I can’t even remember the last time I’ve talked with her.” Cherra started and held a finger to her chin. “Oh wait. I think I talked to her recently. Maybe.”

Make up your mind. It can’t be one, or the other. Not both.

“Why does it even matter to you?” Meemee added, deciding now was a good time to pop her phone back out and engage in a few

Somehow, It took around a half hour for the collision to be cleared up. Once it was, it was smooth sailing to the mall. Which meant having to find a parking spot. Which was easier said than done.

“Get out of the way!”

A honk from whatever driver she was trying to get past followed. Though, I’m not entirely certain if the halfling completely deserved that. She probably did.

With that now out of the way,  the two ‘groups’ met up at the entrance. Which was actually quite uninteresting. Sort of like a cruise ship.

“Where do we want to start off at?” Cherra inquired as they headed inside. Compared to the exterior, the group was assaulted by all the stores they could possibly go in. I’m kind of envious of you guys. I would kill for an opportunity like this. “Uh… thanks for that?”

“I was thinking jewelry.” Crimson remarked, gazing around the mall. “Then maybe clothes.”

Meemee muttered something to herself, possibly debating to just pull her phone out and play more Fortnite.

“Of course we can go look at the toys as well.” Cherra added and watched Meemee perk up, the trio heading off right after. Or would’ve, if not for the halfling running into Crazy Dave. “Hey Dave!”

“Nicetoseeyou,Cherra.” the cockroach merchant remarked and stopped the stall he was moving. “WhatcanIdoforyoutoday?”

The trio turned their attention to the cart, looking over the pathetic set of wares he had. Which took the form of some throwing knives, a leaky canteen and a wyvern plush. Personally, I would pass on all of that. But that’s just me. You should also stomp him to death and maybe rob him. He seems like a useless shit side character.

“Oh…” Dave whispered as his head drooped, muttering something to himself right after. “Thanksforstoppingbyanyway.”

“Of course.” Cherra answered, carefully slipping a couple lodestones into her gun, followed by some gunpowder. “Now narrator, is there anywhere in particular you wish for me to aim?”

But the narrator didn’t answer. Mostly because they were probably afraid of getting shot. Especially with the skybox far closer than it would seem.

Whatever the case, she fired the gun off towards the heaven. At first, it would seem that the lodestones hadn’t even got close. But eventually, a shriek of pain rang out.

“I feel like you shouldn’t have done that.” Crimson remarked, watching her adopted mother give a shrug.

“She was probably an elf of some sort.” Cherra muttered as the trio made their way towards the jewelry store…

.

Elsewhere, Fae was going about her walk about town.

More specifically, she was heading towards some of the more rural areas.

“Here we go.” she whispered, carefully stashing her purse and stuff into the bushes. Once that was complete, she began her run.


	4. 20 Question as narrated by a conservationist

As a whole, Fae preferred to be out and about over sticking around the house. Today was no different. Her room was already quite clean to begin with, leaving the elven rogue with plenty of time to kill. That and Cherra went off to do something at the moment, taking the girls with her. Wait. That might have came off far dirtier than I intended too. I’m sorry about that.

“It’s alright.” Fae whispered. While this particular trail had been well traveled by the rogue, there was always something new awaiting her.

At the moment, she had gone for one of those ‘tracksuits’ with a set of studded leather underneath. Sure, it gave her the appearance of being far less active than she actually was, it was more than comfortable enough. It even had the added benefit of making her part of the crowd if she was spotted. Which she didn’t really need, having a cloak of elvenkind to begin with. Oh wait. That must be the tracksuit. Good to know. No wonder elves are always so pompous and stuff.

Of course, it would seem she was not alone this time. For it would seem that there was the sound of footsteps along with an attempt at stealth? Walter, if you spiked my smoothie with something undesirable, I will make you pay for it in bed!

“Uh…” Fae started and scanned the general area. “Is there anyone there?”

The sounds get louder. But at the same time, it almost sounded as if this thing was dying. Maybe low power? No, a possible self-imposed sleep mode? Or it was being a complete ass.

“Hiiii thereeee.”

A slight tug on her robe, which resulted in an uncanny dodge from Fae. Once she had managed to get back up, our resident elf found herself staring down a strange humanoid. It looked like a warforged, but at the same time not. 

Clad in pink silverish gray metal, they seemed like an oddity even among those held within this AU. A pink and white quigao covered her body, with a matching pair of high heel boots. A golden bracer hung to their left arm, with a wand similar to those found in magical girl shows. You know, a rod decorated with ribbons, glitter and other girly elements. Which in the case of this particular one, was a pink stick with a butterfly-shaped crystal in a circle. And of course, the obligatory ribbons and bows. Finishing off this unique person, was a head of short pink hair with a lotus flower in it, while a set of violet catlike eyes just stared creepily at Fae.

“Uh… hi?” Fae greeted, unsure of what to really make of this girl. Girl? Boy? This thing screams trap. But go on ahead with whatever you have planned. Just don’t do anything bad to the environment. Or shoot me. We’re trying to patch up the last narrator at the moment. Who for the record, is not an elf. This halfling bard chick must have some serious vision problems.

“I’ll bring it up to her.” Fae whispered and took a step towards this humanoid.

“Helloooo, Iiii ammmm MIRA.” the ‘thing’ answered. “MIRA is currently in low-power mode. Disengage low-power?”

Fae stared towards her newfound friend. While she wasn’t entirely sure where this robot had come from or why they were even seeking her out, what was the harm in them seeing her? By the time any lasting impression had been made between the two, she would be off to places unknown. That, and ‘MIRA’ would be found by someone else, who could be just as good of a friend as Fae. Hopefully. It was just as likely that they would end up kidnapped by some nefarious group and never be seen again.

“Yes.”

“MIRA returning to normal state. What is your name?” MIRA announced and watched Fae take a slight step back.

“Faestrina.” the elf rogue explained, finding her hand being shaken quite rapidly. “Could you maybe… not shake my hand so hard? It kind of hurts.”

MIRA gave a nod and the hand shaking slowed. Of course, that was just the calm before the storm for Fae.

“Are you a fairy? I like fairies. My ‘mommy’ was a fairy. Are you able to cast magic? Can you fly?” MIRA continued, not even thinking of giving our rogue here a chance to even give a proper answer to some of this stuff.

“First off, I'm not a fairy.” Fae started, watching MIRA's expression change on her. “I guess whoever named me was a big fan of them.”

“Oh.” MIRA answered, but at least perked up a tiny bit. “But you're not against fairies, MIRA assumes?”

A nod. Which was then followed by the duo sitting themselves down on the dirt.

“I haven't really met many fey. Though, I have met an archfey before.”

“Where? Where?”

Fae took a deep breath. On one hand, she was probably not expecting the robot to ask where. It probably didn't know where it was to begin with. But, if she left out just enough details. She could tell the story one more time.

“It was at a birthday party in a town to the east. A friend of mine's adopted daughter was having a birthday party. It been quite a number of years since she had seen this one particular friend in person. We quickly found out why.”

She took a deep breath, composing herself as best she could. It was highly doubtful that MIRA actually understood the things that were covered. But at least was making an attempt at following. 

“We found her friend in a state no human, no person - should ever live in. For better or worse, we did what needed to be done.”

MIRA seemed bored, but interested at least.

“There was no celebration that day, especially when ‘she’ appeared. It was kind of a lopsided battle, but we eventually won.”

“Is Fae to the part with the archfey?”

The rogue let out a groan.

“I’m getting there!” Fae remarked, doing her best to keep herself under control. “After, we saw the birth of a new archfey. It was kind of unlike anything we had ever seen before. I’m not entirely sure how to really describe it. Or if words could really do it justice.”

MIRA didn’t really seem that satisfied with that answer. Especially with it being as vague as Fae made it out to be.

“Fae funny.” MIRA remarked, letting out a chuckle after saying that. “Good storyteller.”

“This is worse than talking to Meemee.” Fae whispered, making sure that only she could hear it. “So where’s your ‘mommy’ now?”

MIRA didn’t answer.

“I want her to disappear. Then there would be no more pain. For me. For all of us.” MIRA finally answered, bringing their wand close to their own body, only to point it slightly towards Fae. “But MIRA will still end up with her. MIRA's choice has already been made.”

Another deep breath, the robot’s gaze shifting back towards Fae.

“Can you fly?”

Fae gave her a look, unsure of why she was getting asked that of all things. So she took a deep breath, stood up and began to flail her arms in place. MIRA looked on, possibly unsure of what to make of the elf's display. If anything, they seemed quite unimpressed. Which, same for me. I actually thought she was going to lift off the air and be as free as a bird. Then she could go to the place that belongs to her. Sorry, I couldn't resist such a reference in such a beautiful place.

“Good to know.” Fae whispered and waited for MIRA's next question. But when no question came, she began carefully digging through her tracksuit. In a fashion that wouldn't draw her that much attention from the robot. 

“The butterflies are long gone now, having spawned and begun their trip home. But now, new butterflies are entering center stage. I wonder what they will bring?” MIRA remarked, a mask reminiscent of a butterfly appearing in their hands. All while a black cloak covered up their body .“Feel free to hate me on the way down. But could MIRA hear your answer to my last que-”

A couple thousand volts coursed through the body of the robot, forcing her to shut down and a panel opening up. I guess this controls what setting this thing is in. Of which, there were three options - Storage, Active and Disabled. Which I guess made sense.

“Much better.” Fae whispered, setting the dial from ‘auto’ to ‘storage’. “This will make the perfect gift for Meemee.”

Carefully, she picked her new toy up and wrapped her ‘cloak’ up into it. After that, it was just a ride back to the house on her bike.

.

Back at said house, things had mostly calmed down for our misfits. 

The fire had been put out, with Whip grabbing what plushies and other stuff still remained to be either cleaned and/or fixed. Yelena was still chasing Rune around the perimeter of the house, both parties getting quite worn down.

Samuel was taking Toko grocery shopping, while Quilk was doing… something. He was kind of mum on the subject.

Which just left Kril, Mae and Church-kun. Oh dear.


	5. Better the devil you know as narrated by a geocaching robot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure why the devil is even here. He just is.

Engaging Narration Duties…

It been quite some time since Kril had actually been to his room. It wasn't for a lack of time or there somehow being a dark secret held within there. No, it was a problem with an occupant within said room.

But at the moment, our two heroes were getting out of their uniforms and into some more casual clothes. clothes. Or in other words, a shirt and pants combo with their respective sets of mythril.

“You sure you want to do this?” Mae remarked, watching his friend give a nod. “Please tell me you're not going to destroy the room?”

“Uh…” Kril started, trying to decide what would be the best option at the moment. Sure, destroying the room would get rid of the problem. But that would mean grabbing Aliza, who god knows where he was. Let along if he was still even alive after supposedly creating an adventure guild in this town. Well, was claiming to be working on. Analysis given. There’s a forty-five chance that he is celebrating some big accomplishment of his with his caretaker.

“Oh. So you’re a robot then?”

Yep! Except I’m far less murderous than the one your elf friend picked up. When I get mad, I hide boxes with shit that people care about and give them a cryptic hints on where to find them. Which I must conclude is far better.

“Uh… what are you even talking about?” Mae added as he helped his friend get his shield back on. Which speaking of which, why would he need a shield in the first place? He’s a sorcerer. Not a wimp who charges things with little abandon. If anything, that’s just running the risk of a spell backfiring on you.

“Maybe he wants some kind of protection?” Mae suggested as he got to work with his breastplate, only to stare down towards the shield. “No, it looks more like an object that you throw. Why do you even have this?!”

Kril stared towards the useless hunk of metal he had in one of his hands. He wasn’t entirely sure why he had it. Or what use it was even giving him. So he threw it out of the window, beaning Rune in the process.

“Goddammit Kril!” the priest announced, proceeding to use the weapon to attempt to beat the purple wyvern over the head with this useless piece of defensive equipment.

It failed. Majorly. Like seriously, did this human leave their brain in their other pair of pants? This is on par with the shit our leader does when he had a ‘cold one’

“Mozhet byt', yesli ya odenu tebya, kak knutom, Toko vstretit tebya ~ (Maybe if I dress you up like Whip, Toko would date you~)”

For that remark, Yelena got pulled back over to what remained of the shed and was scolded to the best of Whip’s abilities. Considering the general size difference between the two, was quite limited. My money is Yelena. Maybe after this, they will fly off to shoot Cherra with fireballs. But the probability of that is 1 in 999999999999999999 chance. Odds are fixed, which makes it quite pointless.

“Good to know.” Kril announced as the two boys exited the bathroom. Then it was just a short walk to the far side of the house. Yet with each step, a chill seemed to drill itself further into the boys. It was as if the occupant had did something nasty there and was now trying to hid it. Nah. Odds of that are 100%. In the direction of you guys being idiots. There’s a big difference from the dimension I’m narrating in and the dimension that you are currently in.

“And that helps us… how?”

For starters, we have proper bulletproof glass. You guys don’t for some reason. That seems like a strange miscalculation. That and you have a tendency to be too powerful 

“Can I kill this thing?” Kril remarked, watching his friend shake him.

“No Kril!”

“Boo.”

Thankfully, they were right at the door to their destination. And just judging from the door having a red glow, it was clear that these two were in over their heads. The odds of this going well are not in your guy’s favor. Maybe you should grab a snack, or perhaps a friend?

“Do you need my help then?” Church-kun announced, poking his head up into a window. He was also holding one of his dogs. Though, the dog was the only reason they knew it was him and not some random stranger who was unlucky enough to wander onto the property in the middle of this mess. “Okay. You know where to find me.”

Both boys returned their attention to the door, with Krill carefully grabbing hold of the doorknob. He twisted it to the right and pulled it open, revealing a garbage dump. Empty potion vials littered the floor, with bits of rope and a tent to boot. There was also something called ‘stabling’ and there was twenty-five of them. So I’m not sure what that was about. That, and the whole room was quite dark. Considering that it was the middle of the day and stuff, requires further analysis.

“Why hello, Children.” a voice called out, forcing the duo to focus on the middle of the room. There, a red skinned man dressed in a fine black business suit stood. A pair of curved horns hung from his head, going quite well with the voids that you would expect the eyes would be. Strangely, there was a three-headed raven sitting on his shoulder. Who was also dressed in a business suit of his own. “Was this your room by any chance? Such dirty little creatures you must have been.”

Kril gave a nod, not at all noticing his friend’s attention on the raven. Which probably was for the better, considering the unknown fate of his. Rest in peace, Name Not Found.

“I believed that you are mistaken, strange voice.” the raven announced and jumped off Scratch’s shoulder, flying over to Kril. “My name is Naberius. It’s been a while, asshole. What’s the big deal, summoning me once and promptly forgetting that I exist?”

“Uh…” the sorcerer started and pulled a shuriken out. “I was ‘out’ for a bit and forgot. Yeah, then some stuff happened and I moved on.”

But it would seem that the raven did not like that answer and attempted to poke out an eye with its beak. Which got the creature a shuriken to the face and a slash from Mae’s sword. Thank god he hadn’t gone for the battle axe. Then it would be one more mess for these two to clean. Which I suspect neither of them want. Though, it would make for a good excuse to not clean their room. Wait. It would be a bad one. I guess my code has gotten glitchy with these last couple shenanigans. But no matter.

“Just die!”

Of course, Kril decided Meteor Swarm was a wonderful idea here. Which my analysis shows has strangely weakened the barrier between the dimensions. Which is never a good thing, but you know. I guess that’s what happens when he let crazy run around with magic. Wait. That’s the same thing maybe powering me. Or was it digital data? It was most definitely one of the two. I guess you just need to wait for the inevitable to happen. It took around ten minutes, but it did. And while most of the meteors burned up in the atmosphere, one did slam into the house. More specifically, the room these idiots were standing in. Not that any of them harmed, except for the crow. Good riddance to the crow. Oh and the room was destroyed. But you were mostly expecting that.

“My children, you made yourself quite a mess.” Mr Scratch remarked and gave a quick snap. The debris that made up the room disappeared, getting replaced with a clean version of the enclosure. And a fruitcake.

“Uh… thanks?” Mae remarked and gingerly picked up a piece of this demonic desert. Once you got past the fact that satanic quality to the treat, they weren’t half bad. Nor did they take your soul when consumed. That’s was just a tactic by some fearmonger. Just ignore them and you should be alright. I think. Analysis is inconclusive.

“Better now, children? I’m off to make sure Arthur doesn’t have another tantrum.” Scratch continued, making a portal to somewhere unknown. Which left the duo to their own devices. Which I’m not sure is entirely a good thing. Though, Cherra and co should be heading back now.

.

Samuel was not amused.

For starters, this was supposed to be a simple shopping trip.

“So let me guess this straight.” the lawyer remarked, putting all his effort in holding himself back from hurting his friend. “You just found him discarded in a dark alley?

“Yes.” Toko answered and turned to a third person. “Please introduce yourself.”

“Mr Samuel, I’m Toko Might. It’s nice to meet you.”’

And that, was the second thing. We just can’t have nice things, can we?


	6. Two pair of Tokos as narrated by a drunk racecar driver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jestery would like to apologize for the narrator. Narrator got very drunk right before this point. -Jestery

Toko Might was confused.

Currently, he found himself in a parking lot with little memory of how he had even crossed between worlds. Of what the fighter could remember, was that he was celebrating with his friends after their victory over Yuzi. After having a couple non-alcoholic beverages, he needed to take a leak. But instead of going to one of the designated spots for that activity, he stumbled into an alley and came face to face with a strangely dressed woman. She was dressed in a white dress with a line of green ribbon running parallel to the edge of the dress. A pair of white heeled boots hung to her feet, contrasting the greatsword hanging to her back. Finishing this whole look up, was a set of violet eyes and a head of fiery red hair.

“Miss, is there anything that I can do for you?” Toko inquired, only to get a look. “Is there anything that I can help you with?”

The woman just muttered something to herself, energy surging around one of her hands. What followed, was him blacking out and ending up here. Then he ended up here and hit his head, rendering himself out of that memory and keeping things in plausible deniability. We don’t want no contradictions coming.

Though, that does mean he fits quite well with his narrator: Me. I’m a guy with just as questionable intelligence and motives. We would be the perfect couple! But then I wouldn’t have someone who I could drink with. So, never mind that.

“So what’s your name, Mr Narrator?” Toko (Campaign) inquired as his two companions.

Jack Tuppsa. I’m the world’s greatest everything! No matter what I do, it’s always perfect. For example, I successfully removed the bullet your stupid midget shot into our friend. We plan to sue. Just you wait.

Offscreen, I was slapped by my wonderful compadres who I lead. I should have them disciplined. Do any of you know any good drink recipes that are easy to make?

“No.” Samuel answered. “Voice with no body, what purpose would you have for such information?”

It’s five o’clock somewhere. And I want to get hammered with my boyfriend. He’s currently doing shots of lighter fluid. It’s his speciality.   
“Good to know.” Toko (Modern) announced and turned to his campaign counterpart. “Mr Might, we are going shopping. Would you like to come with us?”

Campaign Toko seemed to perk up when he heard that. Which I guess is good? I’m not quite certain on body language, having had a shot of my own. Now, head onto the grocery store then!

“No.” Samuel whispered, giving the sky a look. “You are not our masters. We will go at our own pa-”

But it would seem that Toko (Campaign) was in a listening mood. Which was a far cry from his modern counterpart. Who was still standing there with Samuel. Eventually, the two followed their friend over. But not without declaring their support for someone else narrating.

Inside the grocery store, things seemed kind of hectic. Not quite black friday levels of crazy, but getting close to that.

“Let's start off with produce.” Toko (Modern) explained as they went to grab a cart. “Samuel, can I please sit in the cart?”

Samuel took a deep breath, giving Toko a look. As tempted as the half demon was to say no and be on with it, an idea came to him.

“Why don't you offer your friend a chance to ride? He would seem like he would deserve it more than you.”

Toko (Modern) looked towards Toko (Campaign), giving him the cart seat. Which was quite an awkward fit. The sort you get when you had too many and are ready to throw down for a good time.

Inside, Toko (Campaign) found himself in a place unlike anything he had seen before. Sure, Rune had let him shop before at a couple of the local shops near the Temple of Pelor, but this seemed different. This was bigger than a shop and not as interesting as one. There was a lot of white, but not in the annoying cream-colored shade. It was more of a plain white color. Though, the tile was a nice touch.

“This is a grocery store.” Samuel explained as they made their way into the grocery store proper. Though, it, would seem that our heroes were making a beeline to the produce section to start things out. Which I guess is a good start? Personally, I would’ve started with the liquor department. Maybe even take some samples as well. Yeah, that sounds quite nice right now.

“Anything in particular that you would like, other Toko?” Samuel continued and watched Toko (Campaign) look around, only to focus in on the strawberries. “I take it that you would like some of those?”

“Yep.” Toko answered and watched Samuel put the fruit into the cart. A variety of other fruit followed, along with a bunch of vegetables. Except spinach. Fuck spinach in all it’s tasteless green smoothie shit. I don’t care if this sailor guy eats a lot of it, but I don’t.

“Have you ever tried it, Mr Tuppsa?”

No, And I never wi-

Before I had a chance to finish that sentence, one of my associates forced me to eat a whole can of the stuff. The nerve of them.se people. I hope they all die and stuff.

“Kindness, voice with no body.” Samuel muttered as he pulled out his list. He crossed something out, then headed on to the dairy section. Which makes this a weirdly designed grocery store. Like where’s the snack aisles? Or heck all the other aisles? This is stupid!

“Do you think you could be a bit quieter, Mr Tuppsa? We’re trying to make this quick.” Toko (Modern) remarked as they began loading the cart with cartons of milk and half and half. “Especially since we have stuff that needs to be cleaned up.”

His counterpart watched on, seeming both confused and amazed at the same time. 

“We'll get to the meat next.”

True to his modern counterpart’s words, they headed onto the deli section. While there may have been an attempt by our campaign friend to grab as much meat as he could possibly carry, the shopping cart refused to let him go. Which might be for the better. I hope. Though, when are you going to reach the liquor section. That’s the only one I really care about.

“How about you shut your mouth, bodiless one?” Samuel muttered as they continued to the candy aisle, making sure to grab a box or two of snow caps for one of their guests. 

This was then followed by a trip to the bulk section. Which according to the notes given to me, is somehow the best part of the grocery store. I find that a lie. It should be the liquor section. Speaking of which, where is my drink reci-

I got punched for that as our trio filled a bag with gummi butterflies and jelly beans among other things.

“He seems like a mess.” Toko (Campaign) remarked as they reached the frozen section of the grocery store. “Wait, what is this stuff you’re getting?”

Toko (Modern) held up a tub of something.

“This is ice cream. Want a taste?” he asked and got a look from Samuel. “We were going to pay for it anyway.”

“Fine.”

Carefully, Samuel opened the tub for Toko (Campaign) to see. It appeared to be chocolate, which I guess is an alright flavor if you’re going to have ice cream.

“Give it a try.”

The second Toko complied, going to town on this frozen confection until he got a brain freeze. But once that was over, he continued to enjoy it. All while people watched on in possible disgust.

“Sorry about that.” Toko (Modern) remarked and began to push the cart along. Which brought the trio to the baking section. You know, the part with all the baked goods and the stuff that can be used to make them. Like alcohol.

“Would you please shut up about that?” Toko (Modern) muttered as some bread and a nice cake. Along with something special that was supposed to be kept secret between him and Cherra. I wonder what that could possibly be? No matter.

The last stop most definitely be the liquor section. It has to be…

No it’s just the juice aisle. Fuck. Why not that one section?! This isn’t difficult!

But they weren’t listening. No, they were getting these plastic containers of juice. Why is it so hard for you people to follow orders?

“Maybe because we don’t want too.” Toko (Campaign) muttered as they headed towards the registers. “We are not your slaves.”

Fuck you th-

Jestery fix problem. All better now. Go on with day.

“Thanks?” Samuel whispered as they went through the checkout process. After paying for his stuff, they made their way back out to the car.

.

Back with Team Cherra, the heartcatch guitar theme was playing (like it should) and Fae had rendezvoused up with them.

“Meemee, I have an early gift for you.” Fae announced and carefully sat MIRA down in the back. “Do be careful. She tried to kill me.”

Meemee took a deep breath, letting her attention turn to the doll.

“I will be the best friend that I can be, Fae.” Meemee answered, gazing down to her phone one more time. “Maybe this time will go better.”


	7. An attempt at friendship as narrated by a Witch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, that went badly.

The ride back home was quiet for our resident slimegirl.

Well, quiet was probably the wrong word to describe this. The heartcatch guitar theme was playing in the background. Alone in her thoughts, she tried her best to curb the swirling storm of emotions that was puberty and past memories. On one hand, it would be quite easy to just fling MIRA out and just be done with her. Let her feel all the pain that was dealt to her and all the other scientists when Polias made his choice. But on the flip side, this was as good of a chance as any to sway this machine over, to make a difference in such a way that it could change things. Or at least make an impression on her.

Yet, Meemee shook her head and dived back into her phone. For the moment, she needed something to decompress and get her mind off these questions. This took the form of her playing Fortnite. I guess is fun enough for her? I’m not really a fan of all these mobile games that have been popping up or something. Stuff like scrabble and checkers sort of player. Sure, I coded in the past, but then I got ran out for being ‘creepy’ or something.

“Good to know.” Meemee continued and let her phone slip into her body. By that point of the ride, the house was finally coming into view, with Crimson and Fae’s bikes following right behind. “Is there anything that you need me to do, Cherra?”

Cherra shook her head and made a brief glance towards Meemee.

“Not that I can think of.” the halfling bard responded, pushing a button to open up the garage. Once that had opened up, both car and bikes made their entrance and their occupants filed out. Or in MIRA’s case, getting pulled out of the vehicle.

“Well that was fun.” Crimson remarked, removing her mask in the process. All that did was revert her clothes back to her usual outfit. Which I guess still looked nice. Though, I can see why ‘little miss shot’ would kill for that sort of thing. Not that we would let her, mind you. We are far more civil than the previous narrator would suggest. We are very sorry that you had to contend with that. He is being punished at the moment. Severely. 

“Okay…” Meemee whispered as she carefully made her way out of the garage and into the halls.

“What’s that?”

And of course, someone wanted to talk to her. Which in this case, turned out to be Whip. While the warlock had just finished up packing up what remained of the ‘mostly intact’ plushies, that was not what she was doing at the moment. No, she was having a tea party with Sparkle Green. I guess after what had happened earlier, a little break like this made sense. Having it in the middle of the hallway, did not.

“This is someone Fae found while she was on her jog.” Meemee answered and watched Whip look MIRA over. “Can I get through, please?”

Whip shook her head, motioning for the slimegirl to sit down. Reluctantly, her guest accepted the invite. But not before forcing the warlock to move her whole operation over into the living room. It would be a shame if someone were to trip and slam into one of the transparent bins the plushies are being stored in.

“So what happened with you?” Meemee whispered, getting served a cup of pretend tea and an imaginary crumpet. Kind of a rip-off if you ask me. Especially since you didn't even serve MIRA.

“Rune set the shed on fire.” Whip answered, only to finally notice the robot that her guest had brought with them. “That's her name?”

“I guess? It's what the narrator has been referring to her.”

Whip gave a nod and came back around. This time, she made sure to give MIRA her own tea and crumpets. How she would even eat them when turned off is beyond me. Maybe a magic spell? A miracle, perhaps?

Meemee gave the sky a look. It was quite clear that there was some tempting of fate going on at the moment, which was more annoying than anything else.

“Fine. I'll turn her on.” Meemee muttered, carefully opening up the panel related to the setting knobs. “You better be a nice friend, MIRA.”

She moved the dial from ‘storage’ to ‘auto’. The next couple seconds consisted of the two girls watching the robot boot up. That included a glitter light show for some reason. It was pretty, I guess?

“Hello. My name is MIRA. What can MIRA do for you, today?” the robot greeted, only to focus in on Meemee. “Hello Mrs May Albura. How may MIRA make you suffer, bitch?

Whip shot her ‘older sister’ a glance, only to watch the slimegirl pull her knife out.

“Got your gun?” Meemee whispered, getting a thumbs-up in return. Followed by a slight whistle. Draconic, maybe?

Whatever the case, it would take some time for Yelena to show up. So our heroes would have to hold their own until the wyvern showed up.

“Die.”

MIRA swung her wand towards Meemee, only to watch the slimegirl duck under it. In return, Meemee went for the stab. While effective, it was kind of a solid deterrent.

“Spiritflare!” Whip announced and fired off an eldritch blast, watching it knock MIRA back a couple feet. It had the added benefit of getting the attention of Cherra. Though, Yelena was currently trying to get the door open. Why she didn't try to break it down is beyond me. 

“Get away from my grandchildren!” the halfling announced, firing her gun off without making sure that it was even loaded. It was, thankfully.

The pair of lodestones shot out, slamming directly into MIRA’s stomach.

“You didn't tell MIRA you had friends.” the robot explained, watching Fae enter stage left. “You can die as well, Fae.”

Fae took a deep breath, looking to Meemee. Meemee let out a sigh and motioned for her to join. Which she used as an excuse to use the stun stick again. In this case, flinging it as an improvised ranged weapon. Somehow, the device managed to connect and brought a shock. But not enough to shut her down again. Though, it was now MIRA’s turn to attack again.

“Eat this!”

The robot then waved her wand, only to get hit by a bathtub. Oopsy. Which meant it was now Meemee’s turn. But instead of going for her knife, she instead for her traditional hug. Which contrary to every other appearance of it, actually worked.

“Let go of MIRA.” Mira announced and got a head shake in return. “MIRA outranks you, May must obey MIRA.”

But all that seemed to get her, was a kick to the floor. Which came right as another round of spiritflare rang out. Oh. And Yelena managed to get herself inside. Finally. You would think she would have just beaten down the door.

“YA gorazdo boleye tsivilizovan, chem to, za chto mne dayut kredit.. ( _I am far more civilized than what I’m given credit for._ )” Yelena muttered and glanced over to Whip, noticing MIRA in the process. “Oy. Vy zastavili menya slugu. YA vsegda khotel odnogo iz nikh, Printsessa. ( _Oh. You got me a servant. I always wanted one of those, Princess._ )”

While I suspect MIRA didn’t understand a lick of what the wyvern said, she possibly picked up the meaning of the words a bit too late. Especially when she walked on over, pushed Meemee away and proceeded to drag what remained of the robot into the slimegirl’s room.

“Hey… Wait!” Meemee announced and followed after. “Bad friend! Bad! You need to ask before taking a part of someone’s room as your own!”

Whip took a deep breath, giving Meemee a slight tug to the arm. While she had doubted her ‘sister’ knew about the shed burning down, the warlock assumed she had.

“Sorry about this. I highly doubt Crimson is going to let us stay in her room. Especially with the arrival of a second archfey plush.” Whip whispered, only for the succubus in question to join everyone else in here. A bit late, but oh well.

“I heard that!” Crimson remarked and turned her attention to Whip and Meemee. “At least I’m of age to be married, unlike some certain someone's here.”

Meemee shot her a glance, only to follow it up with a chuckle.

“Do I really count?” the slimegirl muttered, messing around with her pendant. “Even then, do wyvern marriages really count either? Whip and Yelena seem more good friends than anything else.”

Whip went over to one of the bins and pulled out a sheet of paper. Which was written in draconic, of course. course. And it had Samuel’s signature too.

“So you are married then.” Crimson muttered, watching Whip perk up. “And no, you don’t need to rub it in.”

“One day she’ll go through with it.” Whip continued, cracking a smile as her ‘opponent’ pulled their fans. “Or stitch it together?”

That awful pun signaled the exit for Crimson. She seems alright, better than the succubus porn star running around in the barest of clothes.

That left Meemee and Whip to just head onto the slimegirl’s room. But not before dragging Sparkle Green with them. Can’t forget about her.

When they got there, they found Yelena trying to get herself more servants.

“Kak vy dumayete? Khotite byt' moimi slugami? ( _ What do you think? Want to be my servants? _ )” the wyvern announced, watching Meemee’s cat dolls scurry over to their master. “Pochemu eto ne rabotayet? (Why isn’t this working?)”

Meemee took a deep breath, picking the plushies up in the process.

“Victoria and her friend here are constructs. They can’t talk.” Meemee explained, watching Yelena’s expression change. “Even if they could, I doubt they would want to be your servants.”

Her attention turned to Whip, who let out a sigh and made her way over to the wyvern. Carefully, she gave Yelena a hug and got wrapped up in a round of cuddling.

.

Quilk gave the drawing one more glance.

Sure, there was easier ways to repay the kindness of his teammates. But this seemed best.

“Ahem.”

The half-orc turned around, finding a swarm of annoyed butterflies looking him over. Carefully, he kneels down.

“Hello, Miss Gaea.”


	8. A helping hand as narrated by babysitter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friends, edible body paint and Christmas trees. What more could you want?

Quilk was used to being alone.

In between those he lost in the past and his habit of eating the corpses of those he killed, making friends was quite a challenge. Outside of Cherra and co, he made a couple. There was Bronz and his tendency to want to wrestle. That dancer of Rinaz dude was alright, just temperamental. But when those people were busy or he had a question that they couldn't quite answer, he took a walk. In this particular case, it was the perfect christmas tree. Which meant heading to the woods and going on a journey of sorts.

“What may I do for you?” Gaea muttered, not at all happy to see the orc of all people. It was possible she was hoping Crimson or even Rune would show up. Sort of like me and getting second times on babysitting jobs.

“I was looking for christmas trees.” Quilk answered, watching the butterflies do their best attempt at facepalming. Which was quite impressive. Not that our half-orc really seemed to care. No, he had his eyes on a nearby tree. “This one looks nice.”

That remark got him a glance, followed by a glare. He was used to it.

“You better not think of doing what I think you are.” Gaea muttered, catching a brief glance of her guest pulling his greatsword off and sunk it into the ground. “May I get you some tea? A nice block of tofu?”

Quilk shook his head.

“So is there any tree that you need to be dealt with?” Quilk continued, watching the butterfly swarm look away. “And why tofu? I believe we have had this conversation in the past.”

The butterflies seemed to shake about, possibly debating how to continue this conversation.

“Yes, but I wonder why you believe my forest would have such trees.” Gaea continued, floating a part of her swarm slightly closer. “Or perhaps you would like some guidance?”

Quilk looked away, muttering something to himself. Before this point, there wasn’t much in the way of ‘family’, let alone ‘friends’ of any kind. Just meat. It came in two varieties: Sensible and highly questionable. The former was what you expected. Beef, chicken, mutton, etc.

Same boat, buddy.

“No one cares about you.” Quilk added, not at all caring that the narrator was crying off screen. Not from anything that the half-orc announced, mind you. No, some asshole was chopping onions for a stew. Yeah, that’s it. “Bullshit.”

After, Gaea returned her attention to Quilk.

“There is something you can help me with.” the goddess continued and fluttered off, forcing Quilk to get up and grab his weapon before following. “I had a visitor last night. Rowdy girl, got herself wasted and I don’t want her to stay for another night. She has a tendency to be a bit on the clingy side.”

The area they were traveling through was a bit of the wooded side, there was at least a path to travel through. Which was accompanied by the sound of forest creatures going about their business. Even though this is December. Which isn’t anywhere near spring at all. Yet, that break of immersion seemed to do little for the pair. No, their attention was more on finding this supposedly rowdy girl. Especially if they had plans to stay longer. Which depending on Gaea’s snack and beverage situation, could be quite bad. Or good, if you have a whole bunch of stuff you need eaten but don’t want to eat yourself.

“What are you even talking about?” Gaea muttered as some of her swarm looked down. “As much as I would like to be in her company, she has a tendency to run off and start things she shouldn’t. You know what I mean, right?”

Quilk gave a mix between a nod and a head shake. I’m not entirely sure how he managed that, but he had. It had to hurt, though.

“I’m alright.” Quilk remarked as they turned left. “Personally, just indifferent on this.”

That’s nice to know, I guess. Anything that you want to talk about?

Quilk just shakes his head.

“Why do you want to have a conversation with me so badly?” he muttered, his gaze focusing in on the sky rather than anything else. Or it would be the branches of the tree? Since their leaves are blocking most of the evening light from getting through. “There’s nothing really that interesting about me to talk about. I’m just some guy who’s finally on the up and up. I left my demons in the past.”

Whatever the case, his gaze eventually turned back to the path ahead. But not before catching a glimpse of motion further on in. So carefully, he pulled his bow off his back along with an arrow from his quiver. Pulling the bowstring back, he searched for the target and fired. Gaea turned to face the half-orc, using her swarm to ‘scowl’. Well, as good as a swarm of butterflies could.

“Quilk!”

Quilk holstered his bow to his back and turned to face the deity.

“Yes, your holiness?”

Gaea took a deep breath. She then refocused her butterflies, taking on a shape of a humanoid. Well, it sort of looked like one. Just needed a pair of eyes.

“It's one thing to let you walk around my woods.” Gaea continued, watching the half-orc’s head droop. “It's another to fire at every little thing without asking. Is that clear?”

Quilk gave a nod. Though, his head was still drooped and he didn't look happy. Sure, getting scolded would do that, but still.

“Head up. It's a honest mistake.”

That remark seemed to cheer him up. Especially since they also found the arrow. Which had gotten stuck in a tree.

“So does this girl have a name or something? Quilk asked as he slowed down, matching Gaea's pace. “Do you know what she tastes like at least?”

Gaea stopped and took a deep breath. The butterflies seemed to clump back together, just not quite into the humanoid shape. 

“There was this one time she covered her whole body in chocolate body paint. It was both amazing and at the same time, awful experience.” the deity explained. “So I guess she tasted like chocolate. Kind of?”

Quik shot her a glance. The idea of chocolate one could put on their body sounded kind of tasty, up until the point that you realize that it’s probably garbage chocolate and that it’s meant to be eaten from more questionable organs. And then it just comes awful.

“Do they have any that are bbq sauce flavored?”

“Quilk!”

The half-orc let out a chuckle, only to get ‘slapped’ by a dozen butterflies. A fair punishment, if you ask me.

“It was a joke.” Quilk answered, watching the path open and reveal our unlucky woman. Who turned out to be Lya. Which I guess is a bad thing? She had least tried to dress modestly. If not for the fact that she had a sex doll on full display. A highly detailed one. As if it were a human.

‘Boko mad.”

Oh. It is. Good to know?

“Good afternoon, Lya.” Gaea greeted, eying the twilight messenger with a look of annoyance and frustration. “Could you kindly get back in that minivan of yours and leave?”

Of course, Lya decided the best course of action was a kiss to her beloved. She even tried it with ‘Boko’ (I think that’s there name). Gaea accepted the first kiss, but not the second.

“Oh come on. It wasn’t so bad, right?” Lya continued, only to notice Quilk. “Oh. You brought reinforcements.”

Her gaze turned to Boko, giving a nod right after. Which Boko took as ‘jump out of my arms and attempt to be scary’.

“Grr…” the supposed sexdoll growled, not at all coming across as scary or terrifying. Especially when Boko was at most around Whip’s health. So Quilk walked on over and picked her up. “Boko want down!”

But Boko was not put down. No, Quilk just grabbed Lya as well.

“Where’s her van?” the half-orc continued, watching Gaea point towards a nearby path. “Is it unlocked, by any chance?”

A nod, followed by the two making their way down the path. Compared to the path that was taken to get here, this one seemed to be shorter and was mostly downhill. I guess that makes Lya’s drunken escapade quite impressive. But not really. I’ve seen Darren do some impressive things while drunk. Killing the final boss, learning the meaning of life and he once saved the world. Not in that order.

“Okay…” Gaea whispered as she helped Quilk transport the bodies down. Especially in the case of Lya, who was kicking and screaming with every step.

“Let go of me!” she announced, getting a head shake from Quilk every time she opened her mouth. One would think that was more than enough to keep her compliant, except for the pets where she bit. “I will make you pay for this!”

“Then I'll just have to eat you then.” Quilk countered. While he was kind of hungry, eating Lya would probably do nasty things to his body. Things that would probably lover his life expectancy. He would prefer not to do that, if necessary.

Thankfully, the path flattened out and the only car in the general area - a blue soccer mom minivan. Which seems kind of odd, since Lya doesn't have any kids. At all.

“Here we are.” Gaea explained and watched Quilk set the two done. “Could I have a moment with these two?”

Quilk gave a nod and went up the path. There, he entertained himself by looking at the trees and debating what would make one perfect for Christmas. At the moment, he had decided that the tree needed to be alive and just big enough to hold all the ornaments but also small enough to at least fit into the room.

“You can come back now, Quilk.” Gaea called out and the half-orc complied, returning to the minivan. “If you're looking for Christmas trees, there's a lot not far from here.”

“Lot?” Quilk remarked and watched the deity point towards a nearby field. “Thank you, your holiness.”

Gaea perked up as Qiilk headed off. It didn't take him that long to reach the lot and gaze upon all the Christmas trees he would possibly ever need too. After looking his options over, he picked one out in particular. Then it was just a matter of flagging down the guy and paying for the tree.

“Thank you.” Quilk remarked and carefully cut the tree down with his greatsword. After, he set the tree on his back and got to walking. If he timed it right, he would be back before nightfall. 

.

Samuel had it up to here at the moment.

In between the appearance of a second Toko and the awful narrator, there was something else new he had to deal with. And it took the form of a lawsuit - directed right at them. Wonderful.


	9. Lawyers of Fun as narrated by a maid

As a licensed lawyer, Samuel was used to the notion of a lawsuit and the process.

You get wrong (or believe yourself to be wronged), you find yourself a lawyer, you explain why you are suing the other party and you have the law firm write up a proposal. You take the proposal to the judge and he then decides whether or not.

It would seem that some steps have been skipped in this process. Fuck, I even doubt that the legal process was even followed by these idiots at all. Not that I was involved at all in any of this. But my mother was. No fair.

“Aren’t you one of them, bodiless one?”

I beg your pardon. I am a separate entity that looks like the person narrating. As such, I am the perfect observer.

In other words, I’m me, but not me. Try not to think too hard on it. Normally, we’re not supposed to be the ones who are narrating, but this is a special occasion. Make of it what you want.

“I don’t follow.” Toko (Campaign) remarked, even though it was explained quite clearly. Well, I hope it was. I already have enough shit cleaning up after these people, let alone one of them getting shot. Like seriously, fuck whoever shot her so hard that there’s nothing left.

“You do realize that shows bias on your part, bodiless one?” Samuel continued, his suit being on the verge on tearing. Not that this was an uncommon occurrence for him. May he should invest in some stronger suits? Or perhaps enter a less stress-inducing job. Like seriously, this is a problem with a simple solution. “Now you’re trying to obstruct justice in this case. Anything else you would like to do?”

The narrator fell silent. Now, our resident half-demon could get back to driving and his thought of this supposed lawsuit. While he wasn’t entirely sure who these people had gone through, they would need a talking too. Not that we already have enough of that. In between the moron of a racecar driver and that stupid pirate, our minds are all in sync. 

“Why are you even telling us that?” Toko (Modern) asked, having some of the gummi butterflies they bought from the store. Until they got taken away by his modern counterpart.

Back on the suit, we want payment in fruit. Lots and lots of fruit.

“Why fruit?”

Because it's the only thing that is accepted on that plantation.  We would prefer to use cash or jewels, but no. It has to be fruit. Fucking idiots. 

“Your still not making your case. At all.” Samuel muttered as he pulled into the drive thru of a coffee shop. “Anything either of you like to drink, you two?”

Toko (Campaign) looked towards the menu, then back to Samuel.

“Uh… I don’t recognize anything here.” he remarked, giving the board one more look. The scribbles that should have been words seemed to taunt him, mocking him for being unable to decipher anything of value. “It’s all… off.”

His modern counterpart took a deep breath as his gaze fell to the ground.

“It’s alright.” Toko (Modern) explained and whispered something into his counterpart’s ear. After, he got a nod. “We know what we want, Samuel.”

Samuel gave a nod and carefully drove the vehicle up to the speaker.

“What can I get you today?” the person on the other end of the speaker announced, probably some dweeby teen. Shame that’s all these folk can only seem to get jobs at fast food. Or seasonal retail stuff. Fuck that. 

But that remark fell on deaf ears.

“I would like a large coffee. Black.” Samuel explained, turning to face both Toko's. “What do you two want?”

“We’ll both have an apple juice.” Toko (Modern) explained, backed up with a nod from his other counterpart.

“Two apple juices as well.” Samuel continued and slid his card in. A few seconds later, he pulled it back out and slipped it back into his wallet. Then it was just a matter of driving up and collecting up the goods. Personally, I would just freeze time and grab the stuff. Then reset it all back a little bit. That way, I have the coffee and then don’t have to a pay a dime.

“That’s shoplifting, bodiless one.” Samuel remarked as he handed back the juice bottles. “The store could sue you for pulling a stunt like that.”

So what. I could pass it off on o-

Sorry about that, that one was a defective copy. I’m the real one. Feel free to fear me now!

“That doesn’t help us at all, Miss Narrator.” Toko (Campaign) added, only to turn to the two other passengers. ”So can you tell me about your adventures?”

Both Samuel and the other Toko went silent. The request seemed simple enough to grant. Just tell the broken fighter about all the things they had done. Which came an interesting problem. Once you start giving this information, a bias forms. You start expecting things to go a certain way. When they don’t fall into what they should be, there’s a tendency to feel frustrated. That should be avoided at all costs.

“Just how far are you and your friends, Other Toko?” Samuel inquired and watched Toko (Campaign) look down at the seat for the moment.

“We’re still in Frovia.” he finally answered. “Yuzi has fallen and Sivella has been made the new deity. So for the moment, celebrating.”

After hearing that directly from the horse’s mouth, Samuel slowed the car down and shot Toko (Modern) a quick glance. But all that seemed to get the half-demon was the shake of the head. Far from the most reassuring answer to the question. They could’ve easily ignored you and continued with their ride with little consequence.

“We can’t tell you.” Toko (Modern) explained as the vehicle returned to the main road. “If we did, it could run the risk of destroying your timeline as well.”

I was joking. I highly dou-

“Even discounting your bullshit, our timeline is likely to be unlike yours, Other Toko.” Samuel added and shot Toko (Campaign) a look. “Then there’s Ragnis. It’s likely that ours was far less bungled up than yours will be. But who can really say?”

While Ragnis sounded familiar, it wasn’t quite ringing bells for our guest here. But that’s probably just the result of having his beaten up. A bit of an over effective cure for stupidity. Maybe mom should have a talking too to his friend.

Samuel then stopped the car, only for Quilk to walk up. “Quilk, do you want a ride?”

Quilk made a glance towards Toko (Campaign), doing a double take right after. Then he rubbed his eyes and looked again. That particular Toko was still there. Personally, I want him to just go away.

“Sure.” Quilk answered and opened up the door, grabbing what looked to be a set of ropes. What followed, was an attempt by the half-orc to tie it down. Once that was accomplished, he sat himself in the front. I guess he didn’t want to mingle with any of those purebred humans. Typical. “Wait. Why is there two Toko’s?”

Well you see you dumb fuck of an orc, idiot here decided that he was going to take a leak. That got him the attention of someone powerful and unamused by indecent exposure. That is how he ended up here. That’s how. Not that you even care.

“Can I make one suggestion to you?” Quilk countered, pulling his bow off his back and cocked an arrow. “Why do you think I am an idiot?”

I have no reason to answer you. You’re nothing more than zeroes and one with a purpose of being a useless berserker. As for me, I am a chronomancer, capable of manipulating time to my will. In other words, it’s like an ant looking up towards a giant. Give it up while yo-

Said giant promptly took an arrow to the front, signaling the end of that. But not before advancing time one day on the whole party. Jestery is not entirely certain how that even helps. If anything, it just makes things even more confusing. Like seriously, Jestery did not ask Cora to shift time. Jestery most definitely did not. Now, Jestery has to narrate again. What is with Toko causing narrators to be replaced. Toko should have that checked out.

“You’re not helping, annoying jester. So could you please leave?” Samuel muttered, the house finally coming into view. Thank god for that. Sorry about the advanced day. Jestery will try to make up for it, somehow.

Carefully, Quilk got back into the car.

“Thanks.” Toko remarked and watched the half-orc look away. After, he muttered something under his breath. But this was then followed by a smile.

“My meal better be twice as good.” he finally answered, getting a nod in return from both Toko’s. The car starts back up right after. It’s a short ride back home. Hopefully, nothing else of note would occur.

.

“You want dating advice from me?”

Crimson gave a nod, getting a sigh in return from Mae.

“You’re a succubus. Shouldn’t this sort of thing come natural?” Mae remarked, watching the dancer’s face droop slightly.

“Thanks anyway.”

With that, Crimson leaves the room and left the half-elf to his own devices.


	10. Helping out as narrated by a Speed Eater

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At least things seem to be going alright?

Mae was used to being the advice guy of the family.

May that was the result of him being more sane and rational, or just the result of his college education. Probably both, but having the quality of being filmable helps too. Not that this will really be that big of a focusl

“Uh… who’s talking to me?” the half-elf remarked and looked about the now clean room, eventually shifting his attention towards the sky. “Oh. It’s just another one of you people.”

I get that we don’t have the greatest reputation with you guys, but cut us some slack. We’re doing our best with the cards we were dealt and the supplies we have. Some of us used it better than others, I guess.

“Good to know?” Mae whispered as he exited the room, making his way down the hall to the kitchen. If anything, a snack would be nice. Especially since he technically didn’t eat breakfast or lunch. “Did Kril do something?”

No. This is on my friends. Sorry about that. You sort of lost a day.

“How did we lose a day?”

Well you see, the last narrator got mad that two Toko’s were in a place where there should have been only one. So she decided to take her anger out by time jumping everyone. Mind you, her mother is a woman who’s idea of a solving problems involves hitting people with a corpse and maybe then use her powers. Though, being part of some empire sort of based off of the United Kingdom. Interesting place. The queen’s guard has an all-women group protecting her. Though, I don’t see a point to it. She's a more than capable fighter and can easily take on anything thrown her way. 

“That's good to know.” Mae remarked, possibly not understanding why this random guy was even babbling about this. Maybe if he was really lucky, he would get to see a lady knight pair in action. There isn't much like it. “Then where can I see such a sight?”

Most definitely not wherever you are. They can be only found in Neo Digia. Your world, this AU to be exact, is based off an approximation. That sadly doesn't include Britanica.

Hearing that, Mae decided to just ignore the babbling of the narrator and head on into the kitchen. There, both Toko's were getting dinner ready for the whole family. More specifically, they were knee-deep in the prep of said meal. Chopping veggies, slicing meats, stuff like that.

Which was quite nice of them. Even if they hadn't figured out a way to distinguish themselves from each other.

“Uh… hi?” Mae greeted, getting a wave from Toko (Modern). But no wave from Toko (Campaign). That's quite rude on his part.

“You're Mae, right?” Toko (Campaign) finally greeted, holding out his hand. “I'm Toko.”

“Nice to meet you, Toko.” Mae greeted and shook it. “Anything that I can do for you?”

Toko (Modern) shook his head.

“At the moment, we're good.” he continued and bent down, bringing up a pot. What followed, was the dumping in of ingredients. “Though, I haven't seen Kril at all.”

That got them a sigh, followed by the half-elf bolting from the kitchen into the backyard itself. There, what remained of the shed awaited fixing. Kind of a shame that Mr Scratch’s magic didn't apply here. Though, it would have been cool to have gotten film of that. Oh. And Kril wasn't there. Maybe he was out front? Though, that wouldn't explain what the sorcerer was even trying to do at the moment. 

“Good point.” Mae remarked, as he circled around, getting a good look of the neighborhood's Christmas decorations and lights. While Cherra had not decorated this year, it was still cool to see what everyone else was doing this year. Especially the house with the decorative mushrooms. You couldn't go wrong with that sort of thing. Though, the Santa Drow was creepy as fuck and could just go back to the Underdark without a second thought. 

“Mae!”

The half-elf turned around, finding Church-kun standing before him. Well, sliding over was probably a better way to phrase it. Though, a giant church isn't any weirder than a talking cat that's also a psychiatrist.

“Huh.” Mae remarked and watched Church-kun shift his actual body to be at a spot where it could be seen without entering his shell. “What do you need, Church-kun?”

“Well…” Church-kun started, doing his best to look towards Mae. “I was thinking of getting the dogs a present. Got an idea?”

Okay. That wasn’t the question I was expecting. I thinking that we would be going into a comedic routine. But this works too.

“What were you thinking?” Mae answered, getting silence in return. “What do they have to begin with?”

“They have their bowls, their beds, their food and water dishes and some toys.” Church-kun explained. “I’m not sure what exactly I can for them.”

Maybe give them a bath? Dogs like baths.

“How would I do that?”

Offscreen, it took a couple minutes for our narrator to realize that he was narrating a church not a person. Even though he himself pointed that out. We are our sorry for his act of stupidity.

“Can I see in there?” Mae continued. ‘That way, I can see what the dogs want.”

“Of course.” Church-kun answered and watched the half-elf step on in.

Since the last time that the interior was shown, nothing had really changed. Why you would really expect it too makes no sense. It’s been technically a couple hours since the trip form St Velodias was made. I’ve been there before.

“You have?”

Yeah. Except ours was crawling with creepy kids that want to have us drink from their juice boxes.

“Were they any good?” Church-kun chimed in.

How was I supposed to know? I never tasted one. Jestery might have, but I doubt she’ll say.

Offscreen, someone (probably Jestery), shouts a ‘no’. I guess that answers the question. Not that it really was one.

Whatever the case, it was a perfect time for puppy love. Or in other words, puppy assault. I mean dog assault. Big difference.

“Wait. I’m not supposed to call them puppies?”

It’s a matter of personal choice more than anything. You can continue saying it the way you are.

Mae let out a chuckle and sat himself, getting assaulted right after. Not that he even minded.

“If you don’t mind me asking, who funds all the food and stuff?” the half-elf remarked, watching his church friend chuckle.

“Reading to children.” Church-kun answered, pulling out a book from somewhere. It didn’t look like any children book I’ve ever seen. Not that I’ve ever was really a fan of those. “Want to hear some?”

Please feel free too.

“Well, here goes.” Church-kun explained and opened the book up. “There once was this guy. He was really great and stuff. A hero, to be exact. In the case of two children, he was their idol. To the first guy, a proud and bashful sort was on his fourth televised fight of this grand hero. He also believed that his friend to be a weenie. To his friend, this hero was the greatest thing since sliced bread. They both decide to be the best hero they can be, based off this hero and his ideals”

That’s it? Where’s the pay-off?

“Yep. Want to hear next one?” Church-kun continued. Which I guess I can oblige. “Well, the next story is about a soccer player who would do anything to play soccer again. He got hit by a roving truck assassin while trying to save his puppy or something. He thinks about ending it all, only to be told by his doctor that he can get the treatment. But only in America.

Does he get it?

“The story doesn’t say.”

“Church-kun, are you sure these are happy stories?” Mae added, watching Church-kun look towards his book.

“Oh right. This is the wrong book.” the church remarked, only for his statement to be followed by the ringing of a dinner. “Could you like, maybe bring me something?”

“Of course.” Mae answered and ran inside for a nice meal. He of course made sure to get a plate for Church-kun. And of course, he scolded Kril.

.

Crimson checked her watch.

While this particular duty of a dancer was not the most common thing for her to do, it was necessary.

“Close enough.” she whispered, slipping it back into her sari. “Oh loving fey, see my prayer from beyond these cloudy skies and blanket this town in white.”

Her eyes close for the briefest of seconds and she begins to dance. It’s not her usual dance, the sort she does for regular occasions. No, this is more of a ritual dance. Thankfully, it didn’t involve any blood sacrifices. Just lots of dancing. In the cold, with things getting icy after the first couple steps. But she managed. To the best of her abilities.

“Come forth, winter!”

And with that, it began to snow. Carefully, 

Crimson made her way back inside, collapsing on the other side.


	11. All I want for Christmas as narrated by a pornstar

“Baka (Idiot).”

A poke.

“Baka (Idiot).”

Two pokes.

“Baka baka (Idiot idiot).”

This time, Crimson’s eyes shot open. Just in time to see Whip poke her with one of her fans.

“I’m up!” the succubus announced, springing up to push the little loli warlock away. “What time is it?”

“Well, we had breakfast an hour ago.” Whip started as she helped her other ‘older sister’ get up and make her way to the table. There, an exquisite breakfast of eggs, bacon, toasts and other breakfast goodies awaited. So she took a couple seconds to appreciate the work that was put into her meal and dived on in. Then it was just a matter of putting her plate into the dishwasher. “No thank you? You have a big day. I could have easily left you out in the cold.”

Crimson took a deep breath. While the warlock had been a bit of an ass the day before yesterday, it was probably better to leave that as water under the bridge. But that pun was awful.

“Thank you, Whip.” she announced and turned her attention to the hall ahead, making her way back to her room. She could have just used her mask, but that would’ve cheapened the effect. But someone had other ideas.

“Where are you running off to?”

Turning around, Crimson found herself staring down Cherra.

“I was just about to get ready, mom.” she remarked and took a step forward, only for Cherra to close the distance. “Let me guess. This is a conversation about me slowing down in the face of the moment.”

Cherra let out a chuckle.

“Nice guess, but not quite.” Cherra responded, cracking a tiny smile. “Try again?”

Crimson put a finger to her chin and closed her eyes. What could it possibly be if it wasn't a suggestion to slow down? Maybe it was an adult toy, best shared with a beloved lover. Or perhaps a hint of something more.

“I'll pass.” Crimson answered and walked on, just noticing the sound of bells. Church bells. But she pushed it to the back of her mind as she entered her room. For real this time. After closing the door behind herself, she made the short walk to her closet.

Behind all the dark blue sari’s, a small box sat unopened. Carefully, she lifted the top up and gazed upon the meager contents - a large compass rose pendant and a spare snowflake holy symbol. 

“It'll have to do.” she muttered, slipping the compass onto her holy symbol necklace. It felt kind of odd to have two pendants instead of the one. But at the same time, made sense to her. So the succubus turned her attention away from the closet and towards the nearby window. Outside, the white stuff was still coming down with little sign of stopping. It was the light jind of snow. Not the annoying “Good. It's still snowing.”

After saying that, she realized that she probably couldn't take Sprinkles to the train station. Especially if she didn't want to risk having an accident.

“Crap.”

So she made her way back to the living room, where Whip was having a tea party with Yelena. It looked like it was going well. Even if the only tea parties I would ever go to have that special sort of ‘cream’.

That joke might’ve gone over that loli’s head, but not her wife. Wait. In what sort of fucked up place is an eight year old allowed to marry a creature whose age I doubt any of you know? I feel like I’m the wrong person to be pointing this out, but are we certain that drugs were not involved?

Whip slid a finger across her neck. Fine then. Just ignore the honest question from the adult movie star.

“Mne chetyrnadtsat', ty, sudorozhnaya shlyukha  _ (I’m fourteen, you bitchy whore) _ .” Whip muttered, only to finally notice Crimson. “How may I help you?”

Crimson took a deep breath. While the narrator most definitely had a point, it was going to be something to be overlooked for the moment. I guess I would be fine with that.

“Could you take me to the train station on Yelena?” she inquired, getting a look from Yelena. “Please?”

Yelena shot her wife a glance, muttering something under her breath. And judging by the look that she was currently getting, it wasn’t nice. I still don’t see why or how it’s even legal.

“Fine, but do you tell your mom were heading off right now.” Whip explained, watching Yelena get up. Oh, there’s Mira. She was being sat on by the large wyvern. Kind of a rude thing to do. Sure she tried to kill you guys.

“MIRA would like to not be used as a cushion ever again.” MIRA announced, not at all happy with the situation she had gotten in. Such a fall for a performer of her caliber, a light meant to save this world. But look at what she was now. Pathetic. “Shut up! MIRA just follow Clarissa. Who followed friends, who followed their bored little hearts to Polias. Not MIRA’s fault for once”

That still means you could’ve stopped them.

“MIRA take no responsibility.” MIRA continued, only for Yelena to whisper something to Whip.

“We will have to stop by the shopping center beforehand to get her a proper maid outfit and collar.” Whip continued, getting a reluctant nod from Crimson.

So the loli has that sort of fetish in mind. I wouldn’t expect a darling like you to be into that sort of thing.

Whip’s face turned a bright shade of pink.

“Mom, Whip and I are going to the train station!” Crimson shouted, deciding now was as good of a time as any to make their exit. Fair enough.

“Have fun!” Cherra shouted back, having decided to have some tea and listen to the Heartcatch guitar theme. “And do give Sivella all the attention she deserves

“I will, mom.” Crimson shouted back and carefully got on Yelena’s back, while the wyvern herself was in the process of wrapping her trail around MIRA so she couldn’t break free. Since you know, having her kill a random civilian is real big no-no.

Thankfully, the flight back to the mall had nothing in the way of funny business. After the incident from two days ago, is good in my books.

Do you at least know what store you’re looking for?” Crimson inquired and got a nod from Whip. “Good. Do they sell maid outfits?”

A mix between a nod and a head shake. Never a good sign! That could mean anything, dahling.

“Did you really just call me that?”

Yes. You can deal with it. Or just lash out. Whichever option sounds more like you in your book.

But the succubus chose neither and instead stayed silent for the rest of the ride. The only thing she did was check her watch. I guess she really wants to be with her beloved.   
Thankfully, they finally touched down in front of the mall.

“The shop shouldn’t be that far.” Whip explained as they headed on in. Though, that didn’t explain why no one was giving Yelena any weird stares. You would think that such a large creature would attract as much attention as me, but I guess not.

The store in question was one of those cosplay dress store, even selling precure outfits. Was kind of expecting them of all people to be here. No matter. On display, was the gown of Queen Serenity from Sailor Moon. It sort of looks like a wedding gown.

“You should try it, Crimson!” Whip suggested and pulled the succubus over. “Please?’

Crimson took a deep breath and pulled her mask out, closing her eyes in the process. What followed, was the traditional method of changing outfits that weren’t sari’s. The result was something like the transformation she did for her bike outfit. Except her version of the dress was dark blue.

“Figures.”

Inside, it was what one expected. A costume store. Filled with all sorts of wonderful costumes and actual bladed weapons.

“Do you know what your size is, MIRA?” Whip chimed as Crimson turned back. “Or do we need to bring you a bunch of outfits to get your size?”

MIRA took a deep breath.

“Mommy says MIRA a medium…” she mutters, her gaze now on the floor. “Not that mommy care about this MIRA anymore.”

You do realize that ‘she’ is an outlier among this? There are others like her, one’s who are far less nastier. I realize that my words might sound off (this is coming from me, an adult movie star of all people), but it’s a guarantee. Sure, the actual process of getting to a better place is a bit tricky and untested, but you know.

“And you know about this stuff because…” Whip remarked.

A place like this didn’t get to this point on the back of one hero. It took the wills, the bodies and the charms of many heroes, villains and other riff-raff to bring such a group down.

“Good to know.” Crimson added as her attention turned to the jewelry section of the store. There, one could find a sale going on for wedding rings. “Okay. This is getting a bit on the nose. What’s going on?”

But there was no one to answer that metaphorical question. Though was Whip trying to hold back her chuckling.

“It’s a secret to everyone.” the warlock answered as she held up a collar to MIRA’s neck. The collar in question, was a sparkly one with a whole bunch of fake gemstones. “How about this one?”

“MIRA guess.” MIRA muttered, only to get a look from Yelena.

“Teper' u nas ne mozhet byt' neschastnaya sluzhanka, ne tak li?  _ (Now, we can’t have an unhappy maid, can we?) _ ” the wyvern explained, flashing her fangs towards the robot. While MIRA didn’t quite understand her message, it came through loud and clear for her. “Namnogo luchshe  _ (Much better.) _ ”

Thankfully, the maid outfit was far easier and less painful to acquire. A good thing, in my book. Though, they did go for one of the more unsexy ones. I could probably rock it, but definitely not MIRA. But that’s just my opinion.

“Are we ready to go now?” Crimson remarked as Whip paid for the outfit and collar. Which came with a leash. That was snapped right onto MIRA’s collar. “Could you have waited till we had gotten home at least?”

Whip just shakes her head, getting a groan as they headed outside and got back onto Yelena. While the train station was that far away, it would seem that the wyvern would be taking her time. Especially since the snow was still falling down. By this point, was more the result of the actual weather than magic.

“Good to know.” Whip whispered as they swooped on down, making as graceful of a landing in front of their next destination - the train station. The less dangerous of the two, thankfully.

“I’ll be back in a minute.” Crimson explained, carefully getting off of Yelena. She made a beeline towards the entrance, taking a deep breath as she got to the door.

Inside, the main ‘lobby’ of the station was alright. It wasn't as bright or colorful as say, the mall. But it did the job nicely. Not that the succubus was really focusing on that. Instead, she was walking to the platform, making the occasional glance to her watch. While she was cutting it a bit close, that didn't seem to faze her.

“I made it.” Crimson whispered, letting a smile form on her face.

The next couple moments were spent in silence, followed by the sound of a train whistle. Then came the train. While not the most interesting thing to the succubus, seeing such an old-fashioned locomotive probably put a smile on someone else's face. What followed, was the passengers flooding out from their cramped enclosure into the wide space of the train platform. Which was still kind of cramped, all things considered. So Crimson waded her way through this sea of people until her prize came into view. Dressed in her usual snowlike dress, Sivella stuck out like a sore thumb. Especially when the archfey was gazing all about, trying to find Crimson.

“Over here!” Crimson announced and began to wave her hand about. Eventually, she did manage to catch the attention of Sivella, leading her over to her. “It’s been a while. I’m sorry about that.”

Sivella cracked a smile, her white eyes and glacial blue hair on full display. For this particular occasion, she had let it all hang down, not even going for

“It’s alright.” the archfey whispered, casually lifting her beloved up and deciding to just carry her bridal style. “I’m just glad to be here with you as your big fairy.”

While we could debate all day whether the former frost giant could still be called a ‘big fairy’, but that’s beyond me

Just barely, Crimson seemed to make out what looked to be box just poking out of Sivella’s dress. She attempted to grab it, only to be noticed. Especially since she tried to do it right as they reached the door outside.

“Not yet~”

In return, that got a chuckle from her passenger. Who wasn’t really annoyed that her attempt had been foiled, or that she would have to wait to see whatever it was.

“Fine.” she muttered as they stepped on through, finding Yelena and company in the same spot Crimson had dismounted on. “You won’t mind riding on Yelena for the way home?”

Sivella gave a nod and carefully sat Crimson down, both women taking a seat on the wyvern right after. Once they were seated well enough, Yelena shot up back into the sky. But not before beginning to hum ‘Here comes the bride’. An odd inflight tune, but by no means the worse thing I’ve heard. Especially the parts that sound like roaring.

Whatever the case, it didn’t take too long for our heroes to touch back down at the house.

“Crimson?” Sivella whispered and gave her girlfriend a slight poke.

“Yes?” Crimson whispered, heading off to the side.

“Do you think you can do the thing?”

That response got her a nod, the two following the rest of the group. Once there, they made a beeline to the succubus’s room. Proper greetings could wait until later. Like at dinner. But right now, the duo had other ideas in mind.

“Hold still.”

Sivella complied, watching Crimson apply the mask. Flesh became cloth, with the archfey’s ‘insides’ becoming what I guess is cotton balls or whatever they put in plushies to make them so nice to cuddle up with. I guess this means our succubus dancer friend has a fetish for plushies. That’s kind of a new one.

“I just wanted to cuddle with her.” Crimson remarked and took a deep breath, carefully grabbing the box from her girlfriend’s dress. “Let’s see what we have here…”

She carefully opened the box up, only to find a note inside.

Crimson,

All I wont fur Christmas is… You! So will u be my buloved?

PS: Could u put my ring on my finger as well?

For a brief second, Crimson could swear she saw the Sivella plush crack a smile.

“You idiot.” she whispered, her attention back on the ring box. There, two sapphire rings awaited wearing. So she slipped one onto her fiancee’s finger and the other onto her own finger. “Of course, silly.”

.

“Can I ask you a favor, Quilk?”

Quilk sat up.

Normally, when people asked for a favor from him, it usually meant either killing something or beating something up. But this was different.

“What does it involve?” the half-orc remarked as he took his potential client, Whip of all people in.

“I need to take my plushies to be fixed. Could you help me take them to a certain place?”


	12. Recognition as narrated by a wannabe sniper

***12 - Recognition***

“Are you sure this is the place?”

Whip gave a nod as she and Quilk dismounted Yelena. While they had wanted to take MIRA along with them, Meemee had asked nicely to borrow her. I’m not entirely certain if that’s really a good idea, her being an ex-scientist and all. I get that you people are mad at her little show of force. She’s just playing with the hand she’s been dealt, the result of all the stupid things that have happened here.

“Doesn’t change it one bit.” Quilk muttered, grabbing the wagon with the bins off of Yelena. “Why do you defend her? She has attempted to kill us twice.”

How about I put it this way? No one judges you for the things you did in the past. Yes, MIRA fucked up. But her fuck-up is a minor thing in this messy sea that was that performance troupe.

Quilk just ignored the narrator, choosing instead to focus on their destination.

From the looks of things, A two-story cafe stood defiantly on a stretch of road that most motorists would have probably zoomed on by without a second thought. With a bright pink exterior accented by light shades of purple, it stuck out like a sore thumb. Especially with that sign and it’s bubbly lettering. Makes it seem like a place designed for little girls. Which, fine by me. I have my games, they can have their cafe.

Hanging right in front of the door in those large bubble letters: ‘The Plush Cafe’. It’s an alright name, I guess.

“Yeah.” Whip explained, turning her attention to Yelena. “There might be another dragon in there. Can you please not antagonise her?”

Yelena shot her wife a glare. While she had been ‘mostly’ on her good behavior, she still found it cute when the warlock reminded her.

“YA budu khoroshim  _ (I’ll be good) _ .” Yelena answered, slowly approaching the door as she spoke. Quilk and Whip took this as their invitation to follow along.

Inside, the bright pink from the exterior had been carried into the exterior itself. Hardwood had been thankfully chosen, with the titular plushies scattered all about. Tables and padded chairs had been put in between all of that, with a silver dragon of all things chatting with a woman in a red dress. More of interest, was the large plush cowgirl talking to the pair. Compared to the dragon and the woman, she was dressed in a pinafore dress which showed off her udders. Okay, you don't see that every day. Jestery, what have you gotten us into this time.

Annoyingly, no response comes from the jester.

“I'll be right with you in a mooment!” the cow announced, letting our trio get a nice good look of the earring hanging from her right side. While it looked kind of odd on her, I guess its a way of identification, maybe?

After a minute or two of talking, the plush cow girl thing walked on over to our trio. On closer inspection, she looked to be as tall as Quilk. And that was a mere estimate at best.

“How may I help you?” she greeted, watching the half-orc look her over. “Could you maybe stop that? Contrary to popular belief, I am not made of beef inside of here.”

Quilk gave the cowgirl a second look, confused by what she was even talking about.

“But you’re a cow. Cows have meat in them.” Quilk countered, a sigh being his opponent’s only answer. It was tempting as it might have been to just pull out his greatsword and carefully pierce the strange skin of this beast. After, he could have both Toko's cook it up. But a slight tug from Whip that brought to snap him back into reality. So he knelt down to hear whatever the warlock had to say.

“That’s a person in a suit.” Whip whispered, Quilk giving the cowgirl one more glance. “All you probably get is a bunch of padding.”

“Oh.” Quilk whispered, getting a snicker from Yelena.

“Glupyy poluork (Stupid Half-Orc)” the wyvern explained, getting a glare in return. She took a deep breath, getting a pet from the cowgirl. Probably felt very weird.

“As I was about to say, I'm Layla LaMoo. Welcome to the Plush Cafe.” the cowgirl explained, only for a catgirl in a quiapo to walk on over. “And this is Aishao, my beloved wife and co-owner.”

Aishao gave a nod and cracked a smile, as well as a robot catgirl in a fursuit could. So not very much.

“Spoilers, Tobi. We're not even out yet, geez.”

Oh right. Pretend I didn't say anything about that at all. It's just that you guys have been done for a bit. That's all.

“Sorry about that.” Aishao continued and gave Yelena another pet, her attention turning to Whip and the bins of partially burnt plushies. “Welcome back, Queen Yelena, Queen-in-training Whip. I'm guessing something happened to these friends of yours?”

“Yeah… accidental oil fire.” Whip muttered, taking a deep breath after speaking. “I got what I could out and this is the rest.”

Both Layla and Aishao turned their attention to the bins. While most of looked close to being far gone, there were a couple plushie that at least could be salvaged.

“We will do our best, but no guarantees.” Layla explained, pointing towards a corner of the cafe. There, a dragon plush dressed up like a cheerleader of all things was chatting with a sheep plush dressed up as a maid. Probably another couple. “Take them to Cia and Heart. They should be able to work on them.”

Whip gave a nod and Quilk pulled the wagon towards the pair.

“Thank you for that!” the dragon cheerleader thing remarked. Every word that came out of her mouth had a level of “I do hope your stay has been going well!”

“We just got here…” Quilk answered, his gaze not even focusing on the people talking. “So what’s your story?”

The dragon shoots her companion a glance, only to get a head shake in return.

“We rather not talk about it. It’s more on the personal side.” she continues, watching Quilk’s expression change. “Especially to a stranger of all people.”

That answer did not seem bode well with the half-orc. I’ve had my fair share of nasty shit flung my way. You need to have tough skin if you want to play Call of Duty. Oh wait. That doesn’t have anything to do with this. Sorry.

“It’s alright.” Quilk remarked and took a deep breath. “Sorry. It’s been a rough couple days.”

With that, he made his way back over to Whip and Yelena. “Sorry about that, Miss LaMoo.”

“We understand. That’s the purpose of the plush cafe.” Aishao explained. “So, why don’t you take a seat. We’ll have a server come over in a minute.

“Thank you.” Whip chirped, carefully grabbing hold of her friend’s hand. She led them over to the dragon and it’s rider, who were quite aware of Yelena.

“Hello there, Yelena.” the silver dragon greeted, not at all happy. She probably was before this, but you know. “Can we at least make it through this meeting without one of us coming to blows?”

Yelena rolled her eyes, her focus solely on the silver dragon’s chest. Which kinda looked endowed. Especially under that weird blue sundress? Yeah, that’s a sundress she was wearing on her body. I’m not even certain how that would work. That was on top of the large scimitars that hung at their side. Quite beautiful weapons, I might add. With their gold ornamentation and mithril-like blades, I wouldn’t even dare to strike such a foe down. Head-on at least. I would go full-on sniper with my dragunov. One shot, one kill. And no mess as well, at that.

“Good to know.” the silver dragon remarked, her attention now on Quilk and Whip. “Good morning, Queen Whip.”

“Good morning, Empress Elena.” Whip greeted and then focused on the woman in red. “Good morning to you too, Empress Alice.”

The woman in red gave a nod, though her focus was more on Quilk. In turn, the half-orc focuses on her. He couldn’t quite put it on what it was, but something about her seemed… off. Not in an entirely bad way, mind you. It was more of the ‘hiding-who-they-were’ but not quite.

“Need something?”

‘Alice’ chuckles.

“You just remind me of a friend of mine.” Alice explained, giving the half-orc a onceover. “He was a large bulky yak with a minigun. I doubt you’ve seen him.”

Quilk gave a nod, his attention returning back to Alice. And against everything he knew, he tapped the woman. Whatever illusion that covered this mysterious woman dissipated, revealing a drow of all things in a red dress. A pair of firearms sat by her sides.

“I guess you’re up for a fight then.” ‘Alice’ answered and stood up. “You know what? I’ll leave you for last.”

Her attention turns to Elena, who’s sundress had disappeared in preparation for this. In place of it, comes the necessary riding gear. Then it’s to Whip, who already has Spiritflare out. Such a pretty shotgun. Just hold still for a second… Good! I now have all the photos I need to make my own.

“You could’ve waited.” Quilk remarked as those fighting made their way outside. So he followed right behind.

Out there, Whip had mounted Yelena, facing down a mounted Alice on Elena. Wait a minute. Oh. I think I get what’s happening now. And now I need to sign a non disclosure form. What in the absolute fuck, Jestery?

“Show me the power of that story of yours.” Alice continued, pistols in hand as Elena shot into the sky. Yelena followed up right behind, Whip already making potshots with her eldritch blast.

**Spiritflare!**

A bullet passes on by, being followed by a swarm of butterflies.

“That’s new, at least.” Whip muttered, giving Yelena a nod. A slight buck from the wyvern followed, the warlock now up in the air. With the power of fel flight, she was laughing at gravity.

“Wait, what?” Elena whispered, beginning the process of charge one of her attacks up. All while Yelena attempted to bite her. Considering that her opponent was still technically part-wyvern, she probably had some level of immunity to poison. Which was all Yelena really had. So it came as a surprise when arrows entered the foray.

“Stay out of this.” Alice announced, firing a shot off towards Quilk. While is missed, the message was quite clear. Not that the half-orc was really listening. So he pumped more arrows in as Whip launched off another eldritch blast. “That does it.”

Unity: Gale Revolver!

Both drow and silver dragon glowed with green energy as they swooped down towards Quilk. Which did force Yelena and Whip to follow right behind in an attempt to push their half-orc friend out of the way.

They weren’t quick enough, forced to watch Quilk get launched up into the air and fired upon by no less than three people. One of whom who had a minigun of all things. Even though it probably should’ve been just the drow. Weird magic, I guess. Yet Quilk stood like a statue, taking it all on without a second thought. How he was going to explain this Cherra is beyond me. I would like to see him try.

“Shut up.” Quilk muttered as he slipped his bow back onto his back, letting his greatsword be his weapon for the moment.

**Gale Strike!**

When the attack finally ended, the silver dragon disappeared. In her place, was a female humanoid dressed in the same sundress.

“Surprise?” ‘Elena’ announced, pulling the scimitars from earlier off her back and slamming them into Quilk. Which Whip took as her opportunity for an attack for some reason.

“Spiritflare!”

While her opponent did manage to see it coming, she let it knock her back. Right into Yelena’s grasp.

“YA zastavlyu tebya zaplatit' za eto. (I will make you pay for that.)” the wyvern remarked, her tail coiling around Elena.

“Bad Yelena.” Whip whispered, shooting her wife a look. Reluctantly, Yelena released her grip on her opponent. Who decided it was just best to revert to her other form and grab her wife.

“I would say you passed, Miss Whip.” Alice explained, carefully mounting Elena. “I wish you the best of luck. If we somehow meet some alternate version, will say hi at least.”

Whip gave a nod and helped Quilk up.

“Sorry about that.” the warlock whispered as the trio made their way back into the cafe. “I won’t tell mom, if you don’t.”

Quilk took a deep breath.

“Fine.” he answered, carefully setting Whip on his back. “But you owe me.”

Of course.

.

Church-kun as a whole, could follow directions.

But they were usually written on a piece of paper. These directions were coming from a box that talk.

“I get it!” he announced, getting assaulted by puppies. “Aliza’s house should be around here somewhere.”


	13. Come Together as narrated by a cat psychiatrist

In the years following the final battle, Aliza had chosen to retire to a simpler life. While he had not as many years worked as say, Cherra, he had more than enough to put his two weeks in and enjoy life now. His anger subsided, things were looking on the up and up. Of course, that didn’t mean he didn’t get visitors or invites to party. In the case of today, it was a mix of both.

“What a surprise.” the illusionist greeted, carefully exiting his home to find Church-kun in his driveway. “Let me guess, Cherra wants me to come to her holiday party.”   
Church-kun nods. His pulse raises slightly and any potential heartbeat is slightly higher now.

“I think so?” the church answered. “We also have a burnt down shed that needs to be fixed.”

Aliza sighed, making his way over to his garage. He carefully pulls the doors up, revealing a mess of wood and other building materials.

“You have room?” he inquired, watching the mimic appear in a spot that he could see. A nod follows. “I’m guessing you want a similar shed to the last one I built you?”

Church-kun closed his eyes, trying to remember what Cherra had told him on the way out. He was certain that was what the halfling had wanted, but was it? Or did she want something like a small cottage? After the mess that was the GPS, he didn’t want to try the other square device in his possession. Especially when it started to make all these weird noises. That was the worse.

“I believe so?” Church-kun continued, only to shake his head. “No, she wanted a little wooden cottage for Whip.”

“The warlock girl?”

A nod. Which was then followed by a couple of fireproofing paint being handed over.

“Anything in particular that she wants,” Aliza inquired, watching his church friend think it over. Compared to his interactions with say someone like “Or just the same stuff as the last one?”

Church-kun returned his attention back to Aliza. He seemed more certain on what he remembered now, hopefully.

“The latter.”

This time, it was bags of concrete that changed hands. Which makes a lot of sense, I think. Then a box of screws, with one for nails coming right after. Next was a bunch of drywall, that was easier said than to done with the dogs. Church-kun managed, somehow. Even if he did accidentally slam into one of his pooches.

“I’m sorry.” he whispered, getting a bark. “Anything else, Aliza?”

Aliza nodded, grabbing a box of tools and placing it on the porch of Church-kun. After, he stepped on in with a whole bunch of lumber. He did grab the loose tool box on the way in. I would hate to see how he would react to losing that. Not good, I imagine.

“You coming, Petal?”

A warforged lumbers over, a plate of cookies in hand. The pink wig that serves as their hair had been recently cleaned, while a set of wannabe magical girl clothes cover the large body. It’s not half bad. If you’re standing from a distance and have no clue what a magical girl is supposed to look like. I’ve seen better from Miguel. Oh well.

“I’m getting better.” the warforged chirped, closing the garage behind her. “Though, there’s still work for me to do on it.”

Church-kun nodded, glancing to see if everyone was ready. Once he was certain that they were, it was just a matter of getting back to Cherra’s. Which was easier said than done.

“For the last time, I refuse to follow your directions!” Church-kun announced and glared at the GPS. As thankful as he was for the gift from Cherra, it didn't make it easier to get around. If anything, it made things more frustrating. “Aliza, can you help me here?”

Aliza gave a nod, getting handed the device.

“What seems to be the problem?” the illusionist asked, looking for anything wrong. Personally, it's just a matter of your friend freaking out every time the device makes a noise.

“Uh… thanks random narrator lady?”

No problem. Just doing my job. Though you should probably just turn off the volume. 

“Oh.” Church-kun remarked, watching Aliza fiddle with it. “Wait. You can do that?”

Aliza gave a nod, turning his attention back to the device. While you would think the volume controls would be a knob or a slidable switch. But that was not the case here. Kind of annoying, I might add. So he turned to the settings. That had to be where it was. Alas, this was not the case. There were options to change the brightness, the font and the frequency of potential scathing remarks. But not the volume or the ability to mute the dang thing. Which makes no sense. I guess no one tested it beforehand? Yeah, that has to be it. There’s no way that such a device would be sold in stores without someone checking. Or it could. I can’t even remember the last time I’ve ever been in a store. I think it was sometime before all of this. Great. That makes me kind of a geezer in that regard. Not that I really mind.

“That’s nice.” Petal remarked, watching Aliza unscrew the back of the device and look it over. There, the elusive volume switch awaited. How in the history of all the land did this pass on through? There’s no way that this is either safe or ready for consumers. Maybe a prototype? No, I doubt any company would be that dumb. Though, I’m a talking cat. Who’s also a psychiatrist.

“That’s cool.” Church-kun answers, carefully taking a left. “I read to children and have to explain to police that I am in fact a church.”

Sound wonderful.

Hearing that, he perked up a tiny bit.

“You alright there?” Aliza inquired, finally flipping the switch and caught the attention of our church mimic. He gave a nod as the device was handed back over. “I turned off the volume.”

“Oh.”

Church-kun stared towards the device, waiting for the dreaded sound. But when none seemed to come out, he looked ready to cry. Thankfully, dogs are really good at covering that up. Even though they seem to always being willing to sniff me up. Which is rude and unsanitary. Nor does any good for my mental health.

“Church-kun?” Petal inquired, forcing them to slow down slightly. Especially when our resident church had to slow down. 

“Yes, Petal?” Church-kun responded and turned around to see what was going on. In this particular case, was a full-on round of dog-on-dog. “Oh crap.”

This was not something that one expects to have happen. Especially for a church who had a naked woman on it for like, forever.

“I got that removed!”

That was probably a wise call, considering the main demographic your dealing with.

“She has a point.” Aliza adds, watching Church-kun attempt to bring a stop to this session of doggy intercourse. Oh look, our rating suddenly shot up. No, scratch that. It mostly went up in response to that robot girl’s little tirade at Meemee. Though, it might be best to let those dogs do their deed unmentioned.

“Okay…” Church-kun whispered and continued on, trying his best to ignore the act. Which was easier said than done in this case, with the two dogs managing to get all up into everyone’s face with little warning. It was almost as if they were trying to pay their former owners back, failed and now were going for the next best thing. Kind of rude on their part and quite dangerous too. Especially since the roads leading back to Cherra’s house were a bit on the congested side, traffic-wise.

Thankfully, both dogs did eventually let up and things seemed to return back to normal for our passengers. Well, as normal as one could get with having a church mimic as your vehicle of choice.

“Anyone else coming to this party?” Aliza inquired as Cherra’s house finally came into view. While the house had seen it’s fair share of good days and bad, it mostly looked the same from when he had first built it. He cracked a smile, giving himself a silent pat on the back for a job well done. Sure, the shed burning down wasn’t part of that plan, it had been a last minute adjustment. So no harm done in that case.

“Crazy Dave and supposedly Apocalypse.” Church-kun answered, carefully moving up the driveway and into the side yard. “Though, Sivella also showed yesterday.”

Aliza gave a nod and grabbed his toolbox. While it would take a couple trips, he could use it as an excuse to get to catch up on old times.

Beenawhile,Aliza.” a voice called out and the illusionist looked down, finding Crazy Dave laying there. 

“You too, Dave.” Aliza answered as an idea came to him. “Do you think you could help me build this cottage?”

“Ofcourse.” Dave answered, making a glance towards Church-kun. “Youwantmetostartmovingstufftotheback?”

A nod, the cockroach heading off. If nothing else, it would make for far fewer trips back to Church-kun.

“Let's see here.” Aliza mumbled, taking in the snow-covered yard. While a word of warning about that would have helped, it could be worked around. Especially since no more of the white stuff was falling down. So he carefully marked out the area for building and began moving supplies over. While it would usually take a couple days, they should have this done by nightfall. 

“Hello there, builder.”

He turned around, finding Apocalypse hovering over. 

“Here for the party then?” Aliza responded, watch the skeletal dragon carefully descend. Just barely, he could make out a bowl of chips and salsa. “Do you want me to bring that it?”   
“That would be a great help.”

Carefully, the dish was handed over and Aliza dashed inside. There, the plate joined all the others for munching at dinner tonight. That was for once the construction was complete. As tempting as it may have been to have a slight snack, he held himself back. For now, his focus needed to be on the construction itself. Especially if they wanted it finished tonight.

.

“W-”

Before you open your mouth to unleash whatever remark you were going to, can we at least try and act civil to each other?

“FINE.”

Our unlucky black mage returned their attention back to the house, waiting for the right moment. Though, I think she’ll have to wait a bit…


	14. How you feel about me as narrated by our regular narrator

Tonight have been quite tortuous for Clarissa. For starters, she nor her fairy companion had not taken anything to sleep in, resorting to finding wherever Jestery lived and attempting to spend part of the night there. As it would turn out, it’s rarely a good idea to try and stay in a place owned by the woman you have repeatedly kidnapped children from. Even if they did split you in two by accident.

“If Claire doesn’t leave right this moment, Jestery will not be so nice.” the jester announced, shifting her nightcap slightly. “Kain honey, stay behind me. Just in case.”

Her husband just nodded and got behind Jestery, switchblade in hand. Such a tiny blade, with such amazing power. Not that it was quite in the leagues of anything either of these two women might pull out.

“Make me.” Clarissa muttered and pulled her naginata off her back, her fairy doing something similar with what looked to be a flower. “Really? I get that you were a clown before this point, but at least get you needle out.”

The clown fairy reluctantly accepted that suggestion, shoving the flower back into their hammerspace for a polka-dotted needle. I guess that’s a slight improvement. Maybe?

“Claire asked for it.”

Jestery charged towards the pair, swinging what appeared to be a corpse and knocking them out of the apartment and onto the pavement quite far below. Both black mage and fey were unharmed.

That happened at least twice,maybe even three times. Like a broken record, she would go to that one particular house, get kicked out almost instantly and then climb the stairs back up.

That was all on top of having to listen me. I don’t think I’m that bad, but what do I know? My voice makes no sound.

Which brings us to this particular point in time. At the moment, we find our wonderful black mage engaging in some surveillance. Impatiently, of course. Her fairy was trying to sing some christmas tunes in Sylvan.

“IS IT FINALLY TIME?” Clarissa announced as her companion took a seat on her shoulder.

Yes. Do you want you hearing aids replaced? Or a blanket? Anything that would possibly keep you for warm for the moment? I doubt that your witch outfit isn’t doing any favors here.

Clarissa’s gaze shifted away from the sky. If anything, I guess that's a no then. A shame, but kind of expected.

Our attention returned to the misfits household. While Toko (Campaign) had put in a room towards the back of the house, that wasn't stopping our black mage. Even though the difference in armor class between dimensions should have.

“WHATEVER.” she announced, charging towards the front door. Her naginata was already in hand and charged up with some sort of energy. Was asking nicely to just see the guy too much of challenge? Maybe.

Clarissa does not answer, instead smashing her spear into the doorknob. No dice. So she stabs the doorknob again. Still doesn’t budge. Third attempt and bingo, we now have an open door. That turned out to be unlocked. You would think people could check at the end of the day but nah, no one is really that dumb to rob the home of a bunch of high level adventurers. Let alone kidnap one of them to (maybe) never be seen again.

Inside, presents and a decorated tree welcomed all who entered. Garland and tinsel was hung with a bit of care from the ceiling, while a plate of milk and cookies had been left for one Saint Nick. Even if it would seem that a bite of two had already been taken. 

But such things mattered little in the black mage's eyes. No, she was focused on the task at hand. Which was to kill me and maybe grab Toko. But not in that order.

“There she is.” a voice announced, as what looked to be occupants of this place shuffled into the shadows. While dressed in their pajamas, they seemed ready to fight.

In the process of forcing the door, you woke them all up. Good job.

“I GET IT.”

Her gaze shifted all about, trying her hardest to focus on one of them, any of them. But a blackjack slams into the black mage's head and she falls to the ground. 

When consciousness does return to our black mage, she found herself in the same room as before. But now, she was facing down her own daughter. No, scratch that. The one she forced to call her ‘mother’ in the face of the one she can call forth. This is a bad idea and wasn’t thought through. At all.

“I'm sorry, mom.” MIRA called out, Clarissa just catching a glimpse of her. “This is for the best. For you… and for me.”

Her wand began to glow, but Clarissa wasn't listening. No, she was quite ready to smash the robot into a million pieces. Because that's what we do when we're mad. Smash everything until there's nothing left.

“OVERRIDE CODE: 1234.” she screams.

MIRA looked towards her supposed mother. A confused look forms on her face. This is game, set, match.

“MIRA does not recognize that override code, would you like to try again?”

Clarissa's next move was to just slam her fist into MIRA. It didn't help. At all. If anything, that brought the attention of everyone even closer.

“WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH?”

I don't. If I did I would be speaking in a far harsher tone. Or not speaking to you at all, but I think you want that.

Before the black mage could really answer with her exaggerated volume, Mr Scratch and both Toko's made their entrance. They looked tired, but not tired enough to put their weapons up.

“What's the meaning of this, fallen golem?” Mr Scratch remarked, watch their prisoner’s gaze shift. “We have not done anything to bring your wrath. Unless…”

His gaze turns to MIRA. While the android stays silent, it’s quite clear she knows. Which makes this whole mess suck even more.

We can’t win them all, no matter how big or how driven an attempt you make. Sometimes, things just don’t work out in the end.

“SHUT UP!”

Carefully, Clarissa picks herself up and attempts to slam her naginata into the devil himself. Like with MIRA, it didn’t actually do anything. Probably made the whole situation worse. Not that our resident black mage seemed to care, grabbing Toko (Campaign) without even asking if her wanted to be grabbed. Judging by his reaction, I don’t think he really wanted to be. Having grabbed her target, she decided to bail. And by that,a portal appeared and showed off what looked to be the campaign’s Frovia.

“GOODBYE THEN.” she announces, flinging her prisoner through and headed on through herself.

“Bye?”

.

Once on the other side, Clarissa deposited our unlucky Toko onto the ground. Then she hit him with the flat side of her spear. Just in case he somehow remembers. The wonderful magic of plausible deniability.

“Let’s head home.” the black mage continued, shooting her fairy a quick glance. While she got a nod in return, any sense of a quick return back when out the window when whatever device these idiots use 

FallenWitch logged in.

FallenWitch: What happened?

FallenGeneral: Sprinkles took off with something of yours. You might want to get it back.

Clarissa muttered something under her breath and smashed the phone in her hands. Once she was certain that she and her fairy were out of sight once more, they headed onto their next destination. Which as it would happen, was the Crater of Power. I guess this is less of a ‘I don’t want ever want to see your face again or something?

“SHUT THE FUCK UP.” Clarissa muttered, taking a deep breath right after. Carefully, she picks her ‘teammate’ up and heads back on through.

This time, we find ourselves in her room.

There, things are decorated in the typical christmas fashion. Lights, tree, presents. But the whole room felt… cold. As if what little life did remain had been stolen for no good reason. Of course, it would seem that Clarissa’s fairy was going to make an attempt at cheering her up in the face of this kind of the world that the black mage has created for herself. But not before she put her earrings.

Better now?

Clarissa doesn’t answer. Though, I guess not having to shout everything is a step-up.

“Go on ahead.” she mutters, watching a table get pulled up by her fairy. A honking of a clown nose follows, with a clown car following right behind. I’m not even sure where it even came from. The vehicle comes on out and our titular fairy tumbles on out. She’s dressed in a pink dress decorated with green dots. A pair of pink heels cover her little feet, decorated with ribbons and bells. I guess that’s as close of a clown we can get from this one.

But enough about the outfit. Let’s see this performance.

At first, things start out simple enough. Just some impressions of Toko. Well, I think that’s supposed to be Toko. Or me. Or me trying to do a Toko impression. Then it’s throwing knives at a spinning target. Except there’s no one to be the target and the knives are too small for Clarissa to throw. Next was a high wire act, which might be rendered moot by the fact that our performer has wings.

Then for the grand finale, we have our fairy swinging through the air in some sort of trapeze act.

It was alright. Kind of like this whole mess.

“Can I just have some peace?” Clarissa muttered, looking up towards the ceiling. “You’ve meddled enough tonight.”

Fine. But I just want you to remember one thing.

The black mage groaned. As much as I doubt she wants to hear anything more from me, I’ll make this quick.

No matter what happens, there will be a place for you after this.

“Goodnight, asshole.”

I was just trying to be helpful. But that works too.

Goodnight too you too, Claire. Merry Christmas.

.

In Ragnis, the woman in white sits in a church.

While being stuck in Ebyssia without a proper way to get back kind of sucked, a change in the winds of fortune seemed inevitable.

‘Now, now.” she signs and carefully plants a tree in the middle of the church. ‘Soon, this will be all over. Then we’ll be able to live out in the open.

The ‘tree’ nods, letting it’s roots settle into this unfamiliar ground. While it was likely that neither would be able to truly see the fruits of their labor, it was something they had come to terms with a long time ago.

After all, when one drops the torch, another picks it up and carries it on.


End file.
